


Sacrifice

by DevilDears



Series: Sacrifice Series [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Amputation, Avengers name dropping, Blood and Gore, Breathplay, Consider them thematic trigger warnings, Coping, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Torture, Infinity War, Infinity War AU, I‘m not sure what’s worse tbh - this or canon, M/M, Mind Control, Most of these tags are just threats/ thoughts, Mutilation, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Sacrifice, Slavery, Suicidal Thoughts, This is still a love story I swear, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Torture, Unconsensual Infidelity, Victim Blaming, Vore, Whump, better safe than sorry, infinity war fix-it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-02-02 19:22:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevilDears/pseuds/DevilDears
Summary: The war for the Infinity Stones is lost. Most of our heroes are either dead or captured. When Thanos threatens to make an example out of Steve, Bucky makes a terrible deal to save him.





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is no longer Infinity War canon compliant so you should consider this an AU (alternative universe) in which the heroes went down a different path. A similar outcome to the movie was always a possibility though and I’ll come back to that in a later chapter.

The screaming seems to go on forever. When it stops and the force field is finally deactivated, Bucky drags himself up the stairs and begs for Steve’s life.

He knows it’s madness when he throws himself at the enemies’ feet but he does it nonetheless. Whatever happens, _it’ll be worth it._

The mad titan is sitting on his throne from which he can overlook the battlefield. All of the noble heroes who had come here to stop him are dead, captured or have simply fled the scene. It’s too late for that now.

Thanos is guarded by two warriors of the Black Order. They’re armed to the teeth. Both of them are powerful beings from other worlds that follow him anywhere, bringing chaos, destruction, and death.

He doesn’t need their protection. It’s a display of power, and so is Steve Rogers, and what they’ve done to him.

Part of Bucky wonders why they haven’t stepped on his neck yet, why the Order has even let him come up here, but when he lays his face on the stone cold ground at Thanos’s feet he’s grateful for any chance he gets.

“Please, just stop this. He’s the only thing I have left. Please...”

It’s hard to get the words out with Steve laying wounded and writhing on the ground. Bucky feels his lips tremble. Crying won’t help his case and it’s pathetic. Thanos only values strength and obedience. With the gauntlet and the stones he’s a god with nothing to fear.

Bucky tries to breathe through his nose and ignores the sick feeling in his chest that tells him that he’s injured, he’s trapped, and he needs to flee. _It’s an instinct._ The smell of blood gets thicker.

“What do we have here?”, Thanos asks amused. The guards step closer. He sees one of them point a spear at his back in his peripheral vision. For an instance, he can feel the tip pierce his clothes and cut into the skin. _A threat._ Then the weapon is removed. He thinks the wound is superficial. It doesn’t matter anyways. Unmoving, he keeps his face and his outstretched hands on the ground. A sign of submission.

A traitorous voice in his head tells him that Steve would be ashamed of this display. He’d give him a piece of his mind right now if he had any energy left to scream.

As if the titan had read his thoughts, and maybe he could do that now, with the gauntlets’ infinite power, he snaps his gloved fingers together and Steve curls into a ball of hurt. His muscles spasm in pain and he moans but his eyes remain closed. _Small mercies._

Bucky tries to breath like he’s unaffected by all of it. He used to be good at pretending. They trained him for that and right now, he’s failing miserably. He knows it and they know it, too. They’ve seen him kicking and beating on the force field for an hour, screaming Steve’s name in vain. This act is fooling no one...

_Stop._

_Don’t look._

_It’s too much._

He can’t stand to watch it. The noises Steve makes don’t sound human anymore. He shouldn’t even be conscious. The serum is trying to repair the damage but it can’t locate the source of his agony.

A silent tear runs down his face as Bucky tries, desperately, to compose himself. He should have turned to the other side.

“Stop hurting him! I’m begging you. Please!”

The guards at Thanos’s side laugh and he feels a hot flash of shame. They want to humiliate him but he can’t care about that now. He swallows hard.  
“I love him. Please!”

“Say I let him live. This brave Captain of yours, this pathetic creature...”

Thanos stands up and walks over to Steve’s side. Bucky doesn’t dare to move a muscle. His hands are shaking.

“Earth’s greatest hero.”

He looks down at the person Bucky loves most in disgust. Like he’s an insect that he needs to get rid of. Steve whimpers when his fragile body is nudged with a boot but it doesn’t register anymore. Steve’s whole world is pain.

“What do you want with such a man?”

_Stop it._

Bucky is sobbing silently. He tries not to break while Thanos watches him intently. The titan is not a merciful creature and he can’t be weak anymore.

“What can you offer me in return?”

They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you’re dying but all of Bucky’s memories, the ones that will come to him now, are images of Steve.

_Beautiful, reckless, courageous Steve._

He makes a choice.

When he speaks his words are almost too faint to make out, so he repeats them.

“I’m a killer.”

Bucky feels like he’s dying as the words leave his throat.

“I can kill for you.”

Thanos doesn’t react.

For a second Bucky is afraid that they’re gonna laugh again or kill him on the spot. Or kill Steve and just be done with it.

Then there’s a sharp intake of breath, a sigh, and the titan saunters back to his throne.

“Why would I need more warriors? Why take you?”

His voice is deep and alien, like a monster from Bucky’s nightmares.

“I’ll kill millions, whole planets... I’d do anything for him. Anyone you want dead, just say the word.”

_Please let this be enough._

Slowly, careful not to alarm anyone, Bucky rises and sits up on his knees, his palms turned up. He’s not a threat. The guards hiss at him but Thanos gives some hand signal and they back off.

A small insane part of Bucky wants to laugh. His whole life has led up to this moment. Now is his chance to make it right.

“Don’t you know? I’m the Winter Soldier. They made me for this purpose.”

_Time to lay it on thick._

He looks up at Thanos without asking permission, trying to seem more courageous than he really is. Trying to seem sincere with his offer.

They never look into his eyes. The members of Thanos’s precious Order get punished for this. He knows that. They burn down worlds to appease his anger. Bucky’s seen the footage and he only has one shot.

He is nothing to this terrifying alien madman and he holds his gaze because their lives, Steve’s life, depends on it.

“If I grant your wish, you’ll never see him again.”

Bucky feels his confidence slip.

_The hell did you think was going to happen, Barnes, when you came up here? When you gave them this?_

Sometimes, he wishes he still had the mask to hide behind. It was easier although nothing had ever stopped his eyes from going wide and fearful once the googles were off.

Even with the mask on, Steve would have recognized his eyes eventually. He would have...

His mind is drifting. Maybe he’s going into shock.

The mad Titan looks at him, amused. His alien eyes sparkle with something that Bucky recognizes from his old captors. Sadism. The pleasure in hurting others.

Bucky is not the praying type, not anymore, but he finds himself wishing for strength or maybe a fast death.

No. He can’t be selfish now. He can’t refuse.  _Do it for Steve, you coward._

“Yes. I... understand.”

_Compliance will be rewarded._

With the snap of two gloved fingers Steve stops twitching. Bucky has the sudden urge to run over to him, to make sure he’s alright, to tell him...

Thanos grabs him by the throat. Bucky doesn’t lower his eyes, or look away. He refuses to be afraid. Thanos can have his pain. It’s not about that.

“If you try to contact him in any way I’ll rip off the rest of your limbs one by one, and then I’ll take your eyes, and your ears. I’ll take all of your senses until the universe is lost to you. Those are my conditions.”

Bucky looks over to Steve again who’s laying on the ground, finally peaceful. He must have passed out now that the pain has stopped. _It’s simple._ He nods and tries to swallow around the hand choking him.

“I’ll require one more thing, before I release the Captain...”

The guards are at his sides in an instance. Grabbing his arms, securing him.

He doesn’t struggle.

There is no point.

It turns out that Thanos will accept Bucky’s offer only after he takes his human arm.

 

* * *

 

The Earth is still spinning many years later but other planets are not.

Bucky contacts Steve on his birthday. Once every year, over and over again. Thanos has moved on to destroy other galaxies but he always finds out about the calls sooner or later.

Steve often cries about what happened but to Bucky, it’s all worth it.

When the mad titan has been defeated at last and they finally meet again, Bucky is mostly a cyborg.


	2. 4th of July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He tells himself he’s not afraid of the pain and he isn’t really.
> 
> It’s just that he won’t be able to hide a missing eye from Steve.” 
> 
> 3 years after earth’s invasion Steve is still alive and off limits. Thanos honors his part of the deal. Bucky has lost an arm and both of his legs for this but it’s Steve’s birthday and he needs to hear his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This chapter contains a brief threat of non-con towards the main character. It’s unclear if the threat is real or just in Bucky’s head. The explicit violence described in the chapter is not sexual. Please read the tags.

Bucky is looking out off the space ships’ massive front window in the command center. It’s a great view. Thanos likes to see all the death and destruction he brings to the defenseless planets up close.

He’s not here now though. Convenient for Bucky’s plans. They’re not currently at war and he has no idea what the mad titan does in his leisure time. He doesn’t want to know.

Behind him, the door opens with a hiss and Proxima Midnight enters.

Bucky hates every member of the dreaded Black Order but right now, he hates her the most for disturbing his peace.

“Is this the time you finally stop being stupid, pet?” She comes closer unsolicited and sits in the pilot chair next to him.

 _No, it’s not_ but Bucky doesn’t tell her that. It’s been three years since they left Earth and took him. Bucky has left most of himself behind. He’s a ghost out here more than he ever was as the Winter Solider.

Thanos calls him “The Executioner”. The rest of them call him his “human pet”.

It doesn’t matter. He knows he’s not here because of his skills in battle. Not really. He messes up often enough, trying to save people, going against orders. No, he’s here because Thanos is bored and enjoys his pain.

One of his artificial legs twitches like a reminder.

“You know he’s gonna make you suffer for your insubordination.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She tsks at him. Disappointed.

 _Sometimes I think you like getting punched._ Bucky suppresses a smile.

It’s almost midnight on Earth. You wouldn’t be able to tell out here, of course. The outer galaxies have no sun light. Only reflections from the stardust and the nuclear fog.

Bucky always knows the time. He has a clock that he keeps locked up in his quarters. It’s in his breast pocket today. An actual clock that tells real time build by humans. He traded it on Sakaar for something precious. It’s one of his most valuable possessions now.

He turns around and leaves Proxima Midnight without her say-so. She is his general and they’re supposed to ask for her authorization when they leave for their private rooms. He’s not to turn his back when he exits and show respect but Bucky never does. He only answers to Thanos and it has kept him alive so far. He thinks she might admire him for it. He’s a fly with courage. _Never show fear to a monster._

Bucky stalks past the lower ranked guards without acknowledgement and goes straight to his room. It’s dark and quiet. He doesn’t turn on the lights.

The laptop Bucky modified to pic up long range signals with garbage material from their current base is sitting on his desk. Waiting. It’s been turned on for a while. Their channel is always open although it gets used only once a year. Bucky likes to think of it as an unbreakable chain that connects him to everything he loves without the limitations of space and time. _It’s romantic._

The last time, he’s had an alien radio transmitter but Thanos had destroyed it when he found out what he was using it for and then he’d paid for it.

Bucky takes a deep breath and sits down at the table. His legs creak and shift. Rearranging wired muscles.

_There’s no use crying over spilled milk now, is there?_

He pulls out the clock from his uniforms’ breast pocket, lays it on the table and checks the time. The watch hands turn. 

 _Time goes slower when you’re waiting for something and faster when you’re in love._  

His mother had told him that.

He tries to keep his breathing even and his hands from trembling. Steady like a sniper. The new arm is harder to control.

The second the clock strikes twelve, Bucky’s heart skyrockets and he slams the connect button with more force than strictly necessary. The laptop makes a noise that reminds him of the time he saw ‘The Matrix’ with Clint, and Natasha, and...

_STEVE._

Seeing his face on screen now feels like being stabbed in the chest. Bucky does his best not to break the laptop with his death grip, bringing his face closer to the screen.

Steve looks beautiful. His hair is even longer than the last time and there are dark shadows under his eyes but he’s still the most beautiful thing Bucky has ever seen.

“Hi.” His voice sounds shy and a bit hoarse to his own ears but Steve’s is not much better.

The Audio cracks with static when he clears his throat. “Hi there, yourself.”

Both of them take a moment to look at each other properly and compose themselves. Bucky traces Steve’s face with a finger.

“How have you been? How’s Earth?”  
He always tries to ask these questions with a casual smile. Like he’s on vacation or on a deep cover mission and Steve keeps him in the loop.

“Earth is great, Buck.”  _You should come see it._ “We have this system in place now. They come here every 4 months for the pick up but no one gets hurt anymore. We’ve had no incidents for a while.” 

The Order comes down to Earth a few times a year to pick up their tribute in resources to ‘keep the peace’ as they say. It’s a means of control for them to show up unannounced. Bucky knows that but it’s the only mission he ever wants to go on anymore, and he’s not allowed. Thanos keeps him guarded for the duration of their little visits to keep him in line.

“That’s great, Stevie. Maybe I’ll come with them one day.”

 _It’s hard to pretend sometimes._ They both know that he’ll never come with as long as Thanos is alive and Bucky hasn’t seen him age a day in the past three years so, he’s most likely to die out here just like that.

“Yeah, maybe.” He can tell that Steve is trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. Bucky reads him like an open book.

“Did you find the story I told you about? The one with the man who was stranded on Mars who survived all on his own until they came for him?”

“I did. I was thinking about getting this thing to download it for me,” he gestures towards the laptop dismissively, “but then I found a hard copy. Just took it from some guy in the Delta region. You wouldn’t believe what Earth stuff goes for up here. He couldn’t even read the words. It’s crazy.”

“You know, maybe I could give them something for you when they come here next time, and then we could...”

Steve stops when Bucky holds up his right hand. Its purple shine is picked up by the camera. His face falls.

He’d been smart enough to tell Steve about his arm right away when he’d sent the message after the fleet had moved out. Knowing that Thanos had the power to hurt him now kept him from doing stupid shit like, letting himself killed.

“No. I’m sorry. We can’t. He’s gonna say that’s communication.”

Bucky sighs and puts his arm down again carefully so it’s out of the frame.

There is a reason why he never gets up when they’re having their little chats. Steve hasn’t seen his new legs yet. He doesn’t know about them because Bucky lies about getting away with this. He really doesn’t. If Steve knew he’d ask him to stop calling and he can’t stop. He can never stop.

Better to be a cyborg than not to be at all. _Take that Shakespeare._

“Gotta stay on his good side, right?”

Steve nods with a pained expression. “Right... Just try to stay alive. Don’t get in trouble.”

“I won’t.” _Buddy, you have no idea how much trouble I’m gonna be in when he comes back._

“Did you see Pepper again? How is she doing?”

“I saw her. Didn’t believe she’d actually go through with it but she seems... Better now. Better than I expected. I’m glad it worked out.”

Steve didn’t have to see Tony Stark die. They’d tortured him for hours until he was out of his mind but he didn’t have to watch his friends get torn apart one by one. Bucky thinks it would have killed him. _Small mercies._ That’s all they have now.

Stark had been a brave man. Even at the end. He’d protected Pepper. Kept her out of the fight and sent her away in a suit until it was over. Bucky would have done the same thing with Steve but he’d known the punk would be too stubborn. Dead set on being the hero as usual.

Bucky isn’t brave like that.

“Is she still running things with the trade and threat protection services? Doesn’t it get too tiring for her now?”

“No she’s good. Tells me you can’t tell a pregnant woman to stop working now. It’s taking away from their autonomy.”

He smiles. “She’s probably right. I’ve seen pregnant women do incredible things and I’ve been on this Earth— I mean here, for a while.”

 _Figure of speech. Right..._ He swollows his grief.

“Remember little Jimmy’s mom and how she helped build that house when she could hardly see her own feet? That woman could move mountains.”

Steve chuckles. “You were kind of in love with her if I remember correctly.”

“Kind of. She was fierce. It was probably that and the fact that she had really huge nipples.” Bucky winks for dramatic effect.

Steve laughs at him. “You never change.”

Bucky swallowes hard. _Don’t let him see._

“No, I don’t.”

There is a vibrating sensation and a sound like a small earthquake. He freezes.

“Everything ok up there?”

Bucky tries to quell the panic that grips his spine and makes his hands shake under the table.

“Yeah it’s just...” He looks back to the closed doors of his quarters. There’s noise outside. “The ships are back.”

 _God damn it!_ Thanos wasn’t supposed to be back yet. They were supposed to have time. He just wanted some goddamn time...

“You gotta go, right? So he won’t know we’re talking? Buck?” Steve brings his attention back to the screen.

He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry but yes. I need to put everything away. He hasn’t found the laptop yet.”

 _He doesn’t need to._ Thanos controls all in-and outgoing communication. There is an electromagnetic field that can only be deactivated from his private room and Bucky’s not there yet. He doesn’t stand a chance to put it all back in time. Thanos needs to take one look at the panel and he’ll know.

“You know I love you, right?” He’s surprised how calm he sounds.

_Maybe Thanos won’t take both eyes at once._

“I know. I love you, too.” Steve gets choked up now. “You know, I can never repay you for what you did for me, for Earth. I know they spare us because of you.”

“No, it’s alright. It’s not so bad.” _Don’t fucking cry._ “I only did it for you.”

There are tears in his eyes but Steve gives him his bravest smile. It’s the last thing he wants to see.

“See you next time, Buck.”

“Yeah, see you soon, Stevie.”

The line disconnects. Bucky watches the black screen for a while.

They have an arrangement. Steve knows he’s putting himself at risk so they only talk once a year on his birthday. It’s never enough but Bucky counts the days. 

Turning his body into a machine is Thanos’s punishment for it. He has done the same thing to Nebula a long time ago and it’s made her cold and angry.

Bucky doesn’t want that. To stop feeling. To be a robot. A ghost. The soldier once more. 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there in the dark, staring at that point where Steve face had been until the intercom demands his presence in Thanos’s room. _Come at once._

When he finally stands up, it’s like he’s walking in a dream. The halls to Thanos’s quarters are long and endless and he moves slow. Like he’s threading water.

He tells himself he’s not afraid of the pain, and he isn’t really.

It’s just that he won’t be able to hide a missing eye from Steve. Or an artificial one. Maybe Thanos will be merciful and give him a new prosthetic right away. Purple and cold. Like his new arm and legs.

_Can’t have his warriors look weak._

Bucky is not gonna ask for it though. He’d just lose his tongue, too, and he needs to keep some things to trade for the calls.

When he has no human parts left for Thanos to remove he’ll kill him. He’s sure of it. The mad titan keeps him around because he enjoys it when Bucky cries real tears and does all these ridiculous human things. _It’s entertaining._

There is the door.

Bucky doesn’t bother to announce his presence over the com. Protocol won’t help him now. He takes a deep breath, pushes the button and enters.

Thanos is sitting in the middle of the vast room. It’s dressed in golden colors and stone from foreign planets he’s conquered in the past. Some of it must be from Earth.

At his feet there’s the dismantled switch of the control panel. There are no scratch marks on it. Bucky had carefully removed it with the blade Thanos is holding in his hand right now. _Just get it over with._

The titan turns to face him.

“Someone has been in my room.” He flips the blade from hand to hand. “I wonder who it might have been.”

His mouth has this mean twist that tells him he’s angry but he’ll act like they’re having an innocent conversation over nothing.

Bucky knows this game. He’ll try to deny it and Thanos is gonna ram this thing into his thigh. If he admits to it right away, Thanos might get to removing his body parts, the real punishment, sooner, but he won’t feel entertained so he’ll take more than he has to.

“Come over here. Sit.”

Bucky does as he’s told and tries to keep his heart rate down. It’ll bleed less.

“I think Proxima likes to sit on your bed and browse the naughty channels when you’re away.”

Thanos laughes. There’s no real humor in it. The hollow sound of it echoes.

“I already know it was you. I don’t keep track of Earthern time but something tells me it’s that special day of the year again when you lose your head and want me to punish you for calling him.”

“Well, it’s a hobby. You have those, don’t you?”

Bucky sees the blade moving but does nothing to stop it. Fighting only makes it worse.

The pain in his right thigh explodes as Thanos sticks the blade deep into his flesh. _Predictable._

He doesn’t flinch. The titan watches him as he tries to breath through the pain. He’s had worse and this is just the beginning.

“Do you feel this?” Thanos twists the blade slowly. “This is what your human emotions get you.”

In all fairness, it’s not like the guy had no idea about Bucky’s plans. He would find a way to contact Steve every year without fail. Thanos knew this was happening the second he left the fleet. Otherwise he would have had him guarded or taken him with. Thanos sets him up to fail because he enjoys this.

“Do you still think he’s worth all this? Answer me.”

“Yes,” Bucky hisses.

Thanos stands up, towering over him.  
“Pathetic.”

He grabs him be the hair and drags him backwards until Bucky is flat on the ground. Laying on his back, like a defenseless animal showing its belly, he stares into Thanos’s hateful face. It looms over him, telling Bucky to play dead. 

“You know, you could make this a lot easier on yourself. What does he have that I can’t give you?” 

For one insane moment, Bucky thinks Thanos is gonna proposition him. He looks up to him with wide eyes, blinking, terrified. His heart rate picks up.

_Don’t show him you’re afraid._

Then the mad titan shakes his head and steps back. He sighs. “This man isn’t worth your pain.”

Bucky feels a hot flash of anger flare up in his chest. 

“He’s weaker than you.”

_Just keep your mouth shut..._

“You could crush him like a fly.” 

Bucky’s feeling reckless and so he’s already talking before his brain has had the chance to scream ‘bad idea’.

“You know, you could kill a thousand planets and he’d still be worth more than ten of you.”

Thanos takes the gauntlet from the display and slaps him across the face so hard, a few teeth come loose.

_This is not Hydra._

Bucky coughs up blood and spit. Above him, the mad titan’s face is twisted in rage. His voice rises to an unnatural volume when he screams. Bucky’s ears ring. 

“Shut your mouth! Don’t scream! If you scream I’ll go back there and then I’ll make your precious Steve regret the day he was born!”

Bucky shuts his mouth fast.

Thanos twists the knife once more, then yanks it out of his thigh. Theres blood all across the floor. _Injury sustained._ He doesn’t make a sound.

“Very well.” The mad titan’s voice becomes sweet again. “Now to your punishment.” 

_He always makes it sound like such a fucking walk in the park, doesn’t he?_

Thanos sits back down close to his head and pets Bucky’s hair. He doesn’t move.

“You know what you did to deserve this, right?”

There’s pity in the mad titan’s eyes like he’s talking to a stupid child that doesn’t want to learn.

_Maybe he is._

“You disobeyed the rules. You made contact. Any and all contact with Steve Rogers is forbidden.”

Bucky almost smiles. Steve was never one to follow the rules either.

It helps to think of Steve when these things happen. It reminds him why he made the choice to call him in the first place.

Thanos brings the blade to his eye.  
“I’ll only take one this time. We can replace it later. Call it a leap of faith.”

Bucky doesn’t reply. He knows that this faith is misplaced because he can’t stop. He won’t. No matter what they’ll take from him.

Next time, he’ll just have to make up an excuse. Keep half of his face turned away or wear a bandage. Tell Steve it’s from an injury sustained in battle.

He never asks what Bucky does to meet the agreement. It’s doable.

Then, the next time after that, he’ll tell Steve his camera isn’t working. He just needs to tell him...

When Thanos starts cutting out his eye he screams after all.

 

* * *

 

He’s lucky. The mad titan knows that it was an impossible request to stay quiet so he gets to make up for his mistake later.

Thanos appreciates effort. He’s not that ‘inhumane’, he says, laughing terribly about his own joke.

He doesn’t go back to Earth.

Steve keeps on living.

That’s all that matters.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Steve recommendes to Bucky is “The Martian”.


	3. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This right here is why I put up with you in the first place.”
> 
> “What, to keep you warm and cuddle?” Steve smiles innocently.
> 
> “No Rogers, to fuck me from behind.”
> 
> A flashback to better times before the invasion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter contains explicit smut. There are some allusions to past sexual abuse and Bucky’s issues because of it. The sex with Steve is perfectly consensual but they’re a bit rough here and there’s some mild breath play involved.

Steve is standing in the doorway, watching him. He’s wearing one of those tight grey shirts that hug his muscled frame and his ass is barely covered. 

Apparently, they call these things ‘trunks’ and if the Under Armour lady can be believed, people actually wear them to bed these days. It’s wild. Steve seems to like them well enough and Bucky’s not complaining. He secretly calls them ‘little black fuck me pants’ though because they make his best guy look like sin. 

 _The future is truly marvelous._  

“You’re awake.” Bucky lets his eyes wander over his lover’s body intently.

“As I’ll ever be.”

Steve smiles cockily but he still blushes from the neck down. The heat spreads downward, under his shirt and right up to his navel. Bucky’s cock twitches.

“Come over here, doll.”

Steve saunters over to his side of the bed slowly like he’s got all the time in the world, pulls the blanket up and then slides right back under the covers with him.

Bucky sighs contently.

Steve puts his arms around him, pulling them together tightly until they’re both laying on their left side, Steve’s solid chest to his back. He feels warm and safe, hugging Bucky and breathing down on his neck.

“This right here is why I put up with you in the first place,” Bucky says as he snuggles into the embrace. 

“What, to keep you warm and cuddle?” Steve smiles innocently.

“No, Rogers, to fuck me from behind.”

Steve laughs out loud. It’s the real thing. Deep and genuine. Bucky can feel the vibrations low in his chest.

“Oh, is that what we’re doing?”

“I sure hope so. If you want me, I’m yours for the taking.”

Bucky turns around in his arms and flops on the mattress dramatically.

“Do me, Stevie. I’m a sure thing.”

Steve rolls his eyes and shakes his head, fainting annoyance, but he’s definitely rising to the occasion. Bucky can tell by a quick glance below the belt.

“You know a little dignity wouldn’t hurt.”

Bucky slaps his biceps half-heartedly.

“Alright, alright.” Steve leans over him, taking Bucky’s face into his hands and kisses him gently, like his most precious possession.  _It’s heaven._

Bucky returns the kiss, licking over Steve’s bottom lip once, then biting and pulling on it deliberately with his teeth.

After that it’s on.

The two super soldiers make out leisurely at first, alternating between slow, chaste pecks and heated open mounted kisses. Then they start rubbing off on each other, their hands touching every inch of skin they can reach.

Steve looks completely debauched already, breathing hard when he breaks it up to rummage around the drawer, looking for the slick.

It’s nothing close to a miracle that he finds the half empty bottle of lube while Bucky pulls off his shirt and sucks hickey after hickey into his neck, like he’s on a time limit. See how many he can do before Steve gets it.

The marks will be gone by morning but it turns him on like crazy.

“Get these off and turn around for me.” Steve tugs on his sweats urgently.

Bucky doesn’t need to be told twice. He pulls them off in one go and throws them on the floor besides the bed.

Steve whistles lowly.

“Come on.” Bucky turns on his left side again and shuffles backwards into Steve’s embrace who kisses his neck in return.

Steve grips his thigh and pulls his leg up, laying it on top of his own to make room for himself.

Bucky can feel his dick twitch. The anticipation makes it jump, smearing precome on his belly.

Steve pops the lid of the bottle and coats the fingers of his right hand with the clear liquid in front of Bucky’s face where he can see. _This is gonna be good._

“May I?”

Steve’s hand disappears between his legs but there’s no touching yet. He likes to ask permission and always gets a kick out of it when Bucky tells him to put it in.

They like to pretend that it has something to do with reclaiming Bucky’s autonomy but it’s really just for Steve’s benefit because he secretly gets off on enthusiastic consent. _The pervert._

Bucky smiles to himself about it. It’s no hardship really. No reason to take the fun out of it now.

“Please.”

He anticipates the movement but still flinches a little when Steve’s fingers land right on his hole.

“Sorry, it’s cold.” Steve actually sounds apologetic at that. _Noble idiot._

“Warm me up then.”

Thick fingers trace and circle him, making Bucky shiver in anticipation. It’s always a little thrill.

Steve is so careful and gentle with him now when they do this, no matter how urgent their desire feels. He doesn’t want to risk hurting him, says he’s had enough of that for a lifetime.

Bucky used to tell him to go faster. He’ll heal. There won’t be any permanent damage but they’ve talked about their issues and he understands now that this kind of rough is simply not an option for Steve.

It had been a tough conversation that neither of them wanted to have. Steve had cried a lot, trying to make him understand what the ‘big deal’ was.

_Hydra hadn’t been so considerate._

In the beginning, it was a hard thing to get used to. Being prepped. This careful negotiation of want...

Steve whispers something filthy in his ear and he tries to focus on the present.

“You with me, Buck?”

He hums. Steve doesn’t seem convinced.

“Tell me if you want to stop.”

Bucky rolls his eyes dramatically and sighs. “We’re good. Really. Just thinking.”

He makes the OK sign, his index finger and thumb touching to make on open circle. _Confirm._  

“Trying something new, are we?”

Steve is doing his best to save the mood but he sounds a little unsure about it now. He always worries too much.

“Shut your trap and finger me,” Bucky laughs and wiggles his ass backwards until Steve is touching him there with intent again. _Much better._

He sinks back into the sensations.

Steve rubs up and down over his hole with 4 fingers a few times like a caress and then goes back to the circling motion becoming more and more determined.

He’s dipping his index finger a little deeper inside with every change of direction until Bucky’s body gives way and he slides home.

They moan at the same time.

“Can’t wait to be inside of you,” Steve whispers in Bucky’s ear. 

“Hurry up then,” Bucky tries to be cheeky but his breathy reply sounds too close to begging to hit the mark. 

The pleasure increases once Steve starts to thrust his finger in and out slowly, not yet searching for that spot that makes Bucky lose his mind.

He stays at it for a while, deliberately keeping his thrusts shallow. Then, when Steve adds a second finger, he goes deeper and hits his lover’s prostate right away.

Bucky feels it like a fire catching, the sensation traveling outwards and spreading to his cock. His balls draw up.

“Oh... Fuck.”

“That’s the idea.”

Steve continues to fuck him deep and steady with two fingers.

“Touch yourself.”

Bucky makes a lose fist and thrusts into it, trying to mirror Steve’s rhythm. It’s perfect.

Steve seems happy enough, focused on Bucky’s pleasure entirely but after a while they’re both horny, sweaty and breathing hard.

“If you keep this up...” Bucky moans as Steve shoves his fingers even deeper and presses down on his prostate. _Right there._ “Ugh... If you keep this up, I’m gonna come before your dick is anywhere near me.”

“You want it like this?”

Steve tries to make it sound like he’s not that eager yet and sure, he’d wait his turn, give it to Bucky anyway he wants, but his rhythm falters and his voice sounds strained.

“Or do you want me inside?”

_Thank god._

“Inside. Now.”

Steve pulls out his fingers slowly and takes a deep breath, visibly trying to compose himself.

Bucky grins.

“OK... OK. Just me a sec.”

Steve unsticks himself from his sweaty back and pulls down his trunks so they hang low on his thighs. They go over his hard cock with some difficulty.

He doesn’t take the fabric off entirely, like this is a quickie and there’s not enough time to do anything but drop his pants for a risky fuck in an alley way. _Oh the memories._

There’s something incredible hot about doing it with Steve like this. Bucky can feel the smooth fabric rub on his legs when Steve’s big hand pulls him backwards and then spreads his cheeks.

“Ready?“

Steve lines himself up.

Bucky turns his head and nods.

When Steve pushes inside, he closes his eyes and tries to relax. Steve is huge but Bucky is stretched enough by now to take him in slowly. They know exactly how fast they can go, body and mind attuned to eachother. When Steve finally bottoms out, they both moan loudy at the sensation. 

Bucky reaches behind himself to grind them even closer together, already greedy for more. He relishes the feeling of skin on skin, connected everywhere. 

After a short pause to catch their breaths, Steve starts to move. At first, they rock together slowly, then with increasingly more powerful thrusts.

It feels amazing to be able to do this and not hold back. Fucking normal humans with super soldier strength is dangerous as hell. Every movement has to be controlled for minimal damage but they’re both far from that.

With each other, they don’t have to hold back and they never do. The extra stamina doesn’t hurt either. 

Bucky encourages Steve to go faster and his hand grips Bucky’s hip hard enough to bruise. Bucky loves every second of it.

The bed rattles with their combined effort. It’s reinforced. They’ve learned their lesson.

“You close?” Steve places a gentle kiss between his neck and shoulder that contrasts with the brutal pace they’re setting.

“Yeah. Fuck... Put your hand around my neck, please.”

_So what if he’s kinky?_

Bucky knows that the choking thing could be all kinds of unhealthy given their shared history but he doesn’t care. Feeling Steve’s hand there makes him feel... protected. Loved. _Horny._ It doesn’t matter why he wants the things he wants when they get him off so nicely. His therapist has told him that much and she gets paid to know these things.

Steve is very careful with the choking thing, too, but he follows his request with enthusiasm. Bucky can feel his slightly calloused hand fit around his throat perfectly. He doesn’t really cut off his airway yet, just squeezes lightly when he bottoms out and holds there for a bit.

Steve probably wouldn’t admit to it and blush in a shade of red deeper than Natasha’s hair if they ever talked about it in broad daylight but they both enjoy this stuff a lot. It makes him feel powerful. Always has. He likes it when he gets to pull Bucky’s hair, too.

Steve pulls out almost all the way, then slams back into him hard, once, twice, three times.

Bucky comes screaming his name.

Distantly, he feels Steve twitch and spill inside of him with a shudder but he’s lost to his own blinding orgasm.

When he comes down, Bucky notices the torn up sheets clutched in his metal hand. He lets go of the shredds, stunned.

“That was amazing. God, I love you so much.”

Steve starts kissing his shoulder, his neck, everywhere he can reach until Bucky puts his quivering leg that’s still draped over the other man’s body down slowly and turns around to kiss him properly.

“Love you, too, Buck. That was...”

They look at each other and laugh. Faces flushed, hearts light and bodies content.

They’re young again. 

Steve rakes the fingers of his clean hand through Bucky’s sweaty hair affectionately, fanning it out around his head like a halo. Some of the slick strands stick to his forehead.

“You wanna go again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold the smut chapter. I was told this needs more fluff so I did this instead. :D
> 
> I appreciate all your comments and will try to reply to them properly soon.  
> If you’ve read my notes in earlier chapters you probably know that I’ve never written anything like this before so your comments and feedback on tumblr are very helpful. 
> 
> This is such a wild ride but the fic demands to be written somehow.


	4. 3 years, 335 days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “On Earth, he’d worked so hard with his therapist, trying to stop himself from going out of his head like this, like he did with Hydra. Now it was useful again and Bucky preferred the time loss over the pain and horror of having his vocal cords ripped to pieces.”
> 
> Bucky makes a mistake and loses his vocal chords. He doesn’t have much left to give but he needs Thanos’s approval to get a voice implant. There are only 30 days left until his next call with Steve and he’s running out of options.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: There’s victim blaming, mutilation, physical abuse and disphoria in this chapter as well as vage allusions to past non-con and the expectation of future dub/non-con. For more details, check out the notes below (and mind the spoilers). Read at your own risk.

When Thanos takes his voice he’s well and truly fucked.

It’s not fair really, it’s not even July yet. He hasn’t talked to Steve for 335 agonizing days but the mad titan’s patience with him is running thinner.

He’d simply spoken out of turn.

Thanos used to like his defiance, seeing him operate outside of regulations and driving the others mad with it but he’s an official member of the Black Order now. He’s expected to keep up appearances and fall in line.

Being a good soldier comes natural to him. Bucky’s used to the fighting but understanding the rules of alien protocol is almost _impossible_. There are a million ways to offend someone in their own language and he must avoid them all when they deal with other races and their representatives.

Thanos’s great empire is build on conquest and trade. It’s carnage one day and politics the next.

He gets away with all kinds of things here when they’re on their own but not with outsiders. Not when Bucky comes along as Thanos’s personal guard and makes a bad impression.

As far as Bucky could tell, the meeting had gone well. Sure, the alien representatives of the planet were not a fan of their plans to be incorporated into the empire but what else was new. You can’t expect people to give up they’re freedom and be happy about it.

 _Happiness is not required._ Bucky would know.

He hadn’t noticed anything was amiss until they were back on the bridge. Then Thanos threw him against a wall and started screaming.

Apparently, he’d called this higher up Th’leyzian guy and his mother something awful. The one that accepted the contract. Bad publicity.

He still doesn’t know what he said exactly. Maybe he should have paid more attention to the words. They all learn new languages through the mind stone now. It’s like an upload to the brain. Bucky doesn’t question it. 

When they’d held him down and forced his mouth open he’d blacked out the whole thing. It was a blessing really. On Earth, he’d worked so hard with his therapist, trying to stop himself from going out of his head like this, _like he did with Hydra._

Now it was useful again and Bucky preferred the time loss over the pain and horror of having his vocal cords ripped to pieces. 

When he came to, he remembered that he hadn’t even asked for a replacement.

He just lay there on the floor, unmoving, drifting in and out of consciousness, completely unaware of the time until Thanos came back to kick him in the ribs for being useless.

“Get up, boy, before I bathe these floors in your blood!”

When Bucky hadn’t moved right away, just curled in on himself, shivering and hugging his body, blinking through the fog and the pain in his throat, Thanos reminded him that he was still alive by his good graces and that he would personally bring him back to Earth if he was incapable of doing his job.

Of course he wants nothing more than to go home. He dreams of it almost every night, would give anything to see it one last time and breath the fresh air again. He never understood the urge to kiss the ground before like he’s seen people do in the movies, during the war and after, but he does now.

Bucky’s well aware what going back means though. If Thanos would go back he’d make Steve pay for his weakness and that’s just not an option.

In the end, he’d touched the things around him with his metal hand and named them until he was back in his body. A grounding technique. Then he’d dragged himself to med bay, got his wounds stitched and kept going. 

This stupid mistake will probably cost him a year of his already limited life now and every time he so much as thinks about the possibility of never talking to Steve again, he’s on the brink of a panic attack.

_Giving up is not an option._

It doesn’t matter that he has a hard time recognizing himself in the mirror these days. 76% of his skin are gleaming in metal, cold to the touch, some of it silver, the rest purple titanium, a color like Vision’s skin was. His mechanic eye is assessing, feeding him data at all times, seeing every hidden threat. There is no way to shut it off. 

When he manages to fall asleep, the nightmares await him. Now he can’t even yell when he wakes up. It’s disorienting, and sometimes, he doesn’t sleep at all. 

No matter how much time Bucky has left exactly, he can’t waist it. He still has one good eye and two ears that they can take, and he could always offer what’s left of his ruined body but he’s afraid that Thanos won’t be interested in that anymore. He‘s more than half a robot now, and his human parts, and his human pain were the only thing the mad titan had liked about him.

When he cries these days, only one side of his face gets wet with tears. All he has going for him now are the numbers of his kills.

_You could make this much easier on yourself._

Of course, if Thanos had really wanted him he could’ve just... made him submit. Even against his will. Physically, he’s much stronger than Bucky and with the stones and the mind control abilities of the other Order members on his side Bucky’s completely defenseless. He has no illusions about that.

It’s like in that show Clint had made him watch. _Resistance is futile._

Bucky’s had enough of the mind control for a life time and Thanos doesn’t like it, says it takes all the fun out of torturing him. It’s better to comply as long as he has a choice in the matter and anyways... 

Even if he wanted to fight, he’d never risk Steve’s life like that. It’s just not worth it. 

However Bucky decides to play this in the end, Steve can never know. He wouldn’t blame him, just like he didn’t blame him for Hydra no matter what he said. No matter what he’d done.

_It wasn’t your fault._

Steve would be secretly disgusted though, like Bucky is disgusted with himself right now, and that’s much harder to stomach. He could never deal with Steve’s disappointment. It gets nasty when they fight, like a storm that takes and takes and Bucky’s not that strong anymore. 

A mean voice in his head supplies that Steve doesn’t even know about the prosthetics yet. _How very helpful of you._

His therapist says he shouldn’t listen to these things. It’s the truth though. Steve doesn’t know how far Bucky has come from being human and he hides it as best as he can. If he was any less selfish he would have told him years ago. Just let Steve know that there’s nothing left worth saving, so he can stop waisting his time, stop waiting for him already when they both know he’ll never come back. _Move on._

Bucky is not a noble man though and he needs these calls like air. It’s more than what he had as the Winter Soldier. He replays their conversations over and over in his head. If he wants to keep pretending, he needs to ask Thanos for a voice implant. Get a voice that sounds similar to his own, no matter what it costs. 

It’s definitely cheating, even thinking what Bucky’s about to do. Steve could never be with him again, not after this, but he has to find a way to keep going for as long as possible. His ridiculous pride won’t help him now and if he dies and Thanos decides to kill Steve after all, all of his sacrifices would have been for nothing. 

_Stupid._

It can’t be that hard to get the mad titan interested, to do what needs to be done. He knows that Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive are married or whatever the alien equivalent of marriage is. As far as Bucky can tell, there is no love between them. It’s a marriage of convenience but still... He’s seen both of them go to his quarters at odd hours and it’s a smart move really.

_Good strategy._

They seem to be doing well for themselves. Together, they’re his general and tactican, his left and right hand, his lovers. Irreplaceable. All limbs in tact.

If Bucky had put more of an effort into it, he could have made himself valuable by now, too. Desire isn’t that hard to control. He should have thought of this earlier.

 _Damn it._ It’s probably too late to renegotiate the deal now but he has to try. There are 30 days left until Steve’ birthday and he’s short on vocal cords. 

Bucky shakes himself, standing up on his cursed robot legs with an audible thud before he can lose his nerve. He stalks over to his beside table and rips out the top drawer. There’s his journal, the one he keeps to write down all the shit he can never tell another living soul.

He rips out the last page and writes one single word on it:

**VOICE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers: Bucky makes a mistake and gets his vocal cords ripped out. He disassociates before it happens and the mutilation is not described in detail. Later he contemplates sleeping with Thanos to get a voice implant. He’s treating it like a strategic move but he’s aware Thanos could rape him at any time if he wanted to. Bucky thinks it would be cheating and that Steve wouldn’t want him after. He’s disgusted with himself and believes his body is repulsive with the prosthetics. 
> 
> I want to make clear that none of these negative views reflect the author’s opinion on disabled and augmented people as well as abuse and rape survivors. You deserve so much love. 
> 
> Please be mindful of your triggers.


	5. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Like Brooklyn, the hope to see Bucky again is in his blood, a living breathing thing and he won’t let them take that from him, too.” 
> 
> Steve’s POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions of character death, war and humanitarian crisis, homelessness, tyranny and the like. Slight internalized racism and misogyny.

_Steve’s POV._

_Earth. Thursday. June 8, 2022._

Going from A to B is a challenge. The infrastructure is still a mess. Most of New York’s metro lines were destroyed during the invasion and never build up again. So far, no one’s cared enough to try _._

The stations look like carcasses of stone and metal now but that doesn’t stop people from living in them on the regular. Most of the inhabitants have been homeless since the first attack. They have nothing to come back to. Walking by their camps reminds Steve of the nightly air raids during the war. Back then, metro stations were used for terminal shelter though - not permanent housing. Everyone here knows that it’s not safe to live this way but there’s no good alternative. Here, at least they can protect each other from looters. 

To be alone in the city after dark is dangerous as hell and the rest of the time, the air reeks of tension and distrust wherever you go. Crime statistics are not pretty. _Not that anyone gives a shit anymore._ There’s no real government and national politics are a farce. Most of your representatives will tell you to “cooperate” with the alien tyranny because _“it’s the sensible thing to do”. No need to make it worse than it has to be._ None of them hold any actual power and the truth is, they’re afraid.

Some people are still calling for resistance (this is America after all) but usually, they don’t have much of an audience. If they do, the Black Order makes sure to root them out during their next visit. Even the World Security Council is sucking up to Thanos now, so the complacent people love to stay at home most of the time. 

Their absent work force is damaging the economy but Steve can’t blame them for being afraid. In times like these, you have to protect your own. People are back to loving their guns and their high fences. Working on government property is just not a good investment of anyone’s time and resources, so things that are broken stay broken.

_Guess that’s what happens when the bad guys win._

Lucky for him, Steve knows how to get around town just fine. Everything looks a little worse for wear but the city has a soul on its own that can never truly die. Not from this, not ever.

He doesn’t try to make conversation with anyone when he’s on the move. Not because he’s scared but because he doesn’t want to be recognized. If he is, he has to go through another sad “my son was killed when the aliens came” story or worse, someone says he ought to be dead like the rest of the Avengers. _Again._  That’s the toughest one because Steve knows it’s true.

Most people just look to him for answers though _(how do we get rid of Thanos, what’s a good American gotta do)._ Then he has to pretend he’s still Captain America deep down and lie through his teeth. Tell them that Earth will get through it together and all that propaganda jazz. 

Steve’s hero days are beyond over, and Bucky’s considered a traitor now, even more so than he was before. In the public’s _ignorant_ eyes he changed sides when it suited him, sold out the real heroes so he could save himself. They haven’t forgiven him for the things he did as the Winter Soldier, so it’s easy to believe he’s off somewhere, living the good life, working for the enemy.

Nothing couldn’t be further from the truth but stays the public narrative no matter what he says. Steve has to control his anger every time he’s reminded of the injustice of it all. He came close to doing some serious damage recently, when a guy felt like explaining Bucky’s shortcomings to him. _People just get stupider and stupider with time._ If any one of them had been there that day to see Bucky’s ‘big betrayal’ with their own eyes they wouldn’t be alive to talk shit about him now. Bucky’s sacrifice is most likely the only thing that still saves the Earth from getting annihilated, and none of them deserve it.

Thanos doesn’t trade with races who have defied him. That’s a well known fact. He just wipes the resistance off the map. They had their chance to surrender in peace and blew it in epic proportions (Steve won’t even think about what he said to the mad titan back then because his arrogance and stupidity on that day still flood him with shame).

Thanks to Bucky, Earth is an exception from the rule. The Order comes to visit every other month to collect their share in natural resources and to remind them to fall in line. The human leaders have established several so called “tribute centers” all over the globe that are basically just huge warehouses which must be stocked with enough goods to please the Order at all times, just in case they decide to collect. The date of the landing is never properly announced beforehand so there’s a lot of fear and chaos involved.

Steve helps with the collection and handover process in different areas to ensure everyone’s safety. He knows that the Order killed some of his friends. The members are not exactly a companionable group but Steve’s presence seems to have a calming effect. The guards are less violent with him there, so he tries to show up every time they land.

He always hopes that they’ll bring Bucky with them, too, which means he’s usually the first person at the drop site. It hasn’t happened so far. Bucky doesn’t believe he’ll ever get to visit but Steve won’t give up on the idea just yet. Like Brooklyn, the hope to see Bucky again is in his blood, a living breathing thing and he won’t let them take that from him, too. 

Steve had lived in Wakanda for a while, before the invasion when Bucky was in cryo and then later, trying to come to their aid in the humanitarian crisis. The entire country had been destabilized Someone needed to make sure that the few available relief supplies would fall into the right hands.

He would like to say it was a service to T’challa, to thank him for everything he’d done for him and Bucky and what came after that but in truth, he’d just needed some distraction. Seeing the destroyed cities and their shell shocked citizens reminded him of a war they’d fought a long time ago. Finally, something felt familiar. Steve knew exactly how to deal with a situation like this, and he was good at it. His ma had always told him that a man should lead by example, so that’s what he was going to do.

It was a huge task at first. Crime and corruption everywhere, fights over food in the streets like humanity had lost a part of itself, hanging onto its lower instincts... 

Steve came to understand that this wasn’t a Wakandan problem much later. Just an example of the madness all around the world. That’s how it works now. Only a few people are still trying to do good while others stab them in the back for it.

T’challa and his people had been hit by the first wave of the attack and when the king called Steve to alert the Avengers midbattle it was already too late. The Wakandan warriors were powerless to stop the assault.

Thanos’s “children” were too strong, equipped with weapons unlike anything the humans had ever seen before. They were incredibly strategic, too, knowing precisely when and where to hit to ensure the most casualties. Until the Black Order came along, the Dora Milaje were the best trained fighters Steve had ever seen, but even they had to realize that there was nothing they could do to stop them.

Regardless, they all followed T’challa into their deaths with pride, taking one last stand to defend their country. It was admirable.

Steve barely remembers the call with T’challa now, or what he said to convince him to surrender before it was too late  _(no, listen, we’ll come for you, just hold on, we’ll be there before you know it)_ but he’d known it would be fruitless right away. T’challa was a wise man and a true leader, refusing to leave his people behind like a Captain on a sinking ship. Given the chance, Steve would have done the same thing. 

“What happens here determines what happens to the rest of the world,” T‘challa had said before throwing himself back into battle.

They were all dead now, the entire royal family, the Dora Milaje, all of them. Wiped out by Thanos and his wretched Order.

The king had been right of course. The Avengers stood no chance against them as well and for Steve, the fight had ended as it always had. With him on his knees, trying to catch his breath in a hopeless fight against another bully, and with Bucky coming to the rescue to fight him off like the selfless man he was.

Being back here now, where every corner, every landmark reminds him of Bucky and what they’ve lost is harder then he imagined but Steve prefers the constant pain to being numb.

Bucky made a terrible choice for them both, asking Steve to do the impossible: To live on without him. There is nothing to be done about it now, but Steve won‘t stand by and watch the years waste away like that. They’ve both been on their own, struck in the ice, for far too long. The distance is worse than cryo freeze. 

In fact, Steve had entertained the idea to shut everything down for a while until this nightmare was over. He had looked into the logistics of it but without the functioning technology from Wakanda and their doctors being too busy to take care of him now, it just wasn’t possible. He’d cried hysterically when they told him to find another way. Then he’d proceeded to try and drink himself into a coma.

A blinding headache on top of his miserable aching heart was the only thing he’d gained by that. Certainly not his finest hour but in the first year of Bucky’s absence he’d made all kinds of crazy decisions that he regretted later. 

Those times are over now. If he wants to get Bucky back in one piece, Steve has to be extra careful with doing anything that the Order can track. _Thank god, he’s old school._ He owns a huge map that he keeps pinned to his bedroom wall. On it, he’s catalogued every landing side of Thanos’ ships in the last three years. When the day comes and they take Thanos with them, he’s gonna send Bucky a message, tell him to escape and blow them all to hell. Consequences be damned.

He has an old Nova Corp fighter stored in a warehouse that must have fallen out of the sky on the day of the invasion. Xandar had sent their best. Steve had worked in space flight construction and repair for a while to get the tools he needed to get the jet in better shape. He’s repaired and reshaped the whole thing from the ground up over the course of many seemingly endless months. Now, it’s stocked and ready for takeoff.

If Thanos survives, he can still get away, pick Bucky up, and make off with him before anyone knows about it. They’re going to have their honey moon on the run but Bucky won’t mind that. He’s always loved stories about runaway couples. They’ve seen Bonny and Clyde half a dozen times.

Maybe they can shave their heads and pretend they’re alien monks on missionary duty or something. In space, no one will look at them twice.

Aliens don’t know much about Captain America and the Winter Soldier. If they’re lucky, they can just be themselves for a while. Steve wants nothing more than to be normal together. Mingle with the alien races far away from here, and never look back. It doesn’t matter where they live or how long it lasts until Thanos finds them again, as long as they’ve had a good life together, loving each other properly and without restraint.

Until then, he has to be patient and can’t share his plans with anyone. Not even with Bucky himself, in case Thanos can read his mind after all.

Steve doesn’t think he can or he would have found out about the calls already.

The nights are lonely without Bucky. When he’s feeling blue, Steve tunes into their communication channel and listens to the static. The bright light of the computer screen illuminates his bedroom in a blue-ish tint while Steve watches the display blink.

“N/A.”

It always says n/a unless Bucky is connecting them directly. He’s chosen Steve’s birthday for their little chats because _“it’s the one nice thing I can do for you”._ Like he hasn’t given enough already. It’s bullshit. 

Sometimes, he’s worried that Bucky isn’t telling him the whole truth. Steve has seen the panic in his eyes when Thanos came back unannounced and they had to cut their conversation short.

Bucky never liked to show fear. When they were kids and the older ones told them stories about monsters in the dark, Steve pretended not to be afraid but Bucky could see right through it. When it was late and it was time to go home, he’d stick to Steve’s side like a chaperone.

“As long as I’m here, nothing bad is gonna happen to you,” he told him with a smug grin. “I’ll fight those monsters for you and they know it. They wouldn’t dare mess with my best guy.”

Steve had never felt safer.

Decades later Bucky told him that he’d been terrified himself, running all the way home after he’d delivered Steve at his ma’s doorstep safely. He’d played the knight in shining armor so well that Steve never would have guessed.

 

* * *

 

The Evergreen Cemetery is peaceful today. Steve can smell the fresh flowers as he walks past the tombstones and goes further up the hill to visit the graves of his friends.

Many of the Avengers are buried here. Steve comes to mourn them all together. Sam’s grave even has the Avengers logo on it. It still seems a bit much when he looks at the old logo but Sam’s mother said she wanted people to know that Sam died a hero - like the rest of them.

_He never should have been in that fight._

Steve often thinks back to that moment when he decided to run after him on his morning jog and ruined his life. If he hadn’t, Sam might still be alive today, somewhere safe with his family in his own home. 

Natasha and Clint are buried together, side by side. Steve had always wondered how deep their bond really was. If there was a little more to it than friendship, like two Brooklyn boys he knew, but Clint had a family. Laura and the children must have liked the idea. The little girl would grow up without her daddy and her beloved aunt Nat but she had kept a brave face at the service. When she told Steve that she believed they spied on God in the afterlife now, it was a strange comfort.

Whatever it was that kept these two together until the end, Steve wants that for himself, too. To be buried with Bucky, in one grave like a married couple. A shared headstone with their real names on it. Just like his parents when he visits them.

Dying alone isn’t an option. He just hopes that the good people of New York will let them rest in peace. 

He says his goodbyes and walks downhill. There are huge mausoleums left and right of the road. When he comes to the most obnoxious one of them, he tries to suppress a smile. 

Tony Stark’s grave is decorated with a huge life like Iron Man figure that’s standing on what must be Thanos’s dead body. One hand of the statue is making a fist, the other is waving at an invisible audience. It’s everything Tony would have wanted it to be. A triumph over death and the living. 

When he turns back around, Pepper Potts is approaching him. She smiles. 

“Steve. Nice to see you again.”

“Pepper.” He shakes her hand in greeting. It’s a little awkward.

“How have you been? How’s the baby? Everything alright?”

“Oh, we’re fine. She’s great.” 

Steve nods courteously. “I’m happy for you.” 

“That means a lot to us. Don’t go off on me again but I named her Tony.” She smiles ironically. Pepper crouches down, kissing her middle and index finger before she touches the statue lovingly with her hand.

“Those are some big steps. I mean, Pepper...”

She looks up at him and Steve almost forgets his entire argument. He clears his throat to cover for it while she patiently waits for him to continue. It’s ridiculous but Steve always feels like she knows exactly what he’s going to say before he says it. Like she’s just humoring him. Pleasant and controlled in a kind way.

“Not to meddle in your business, we both know I got no right to that, but...” He chews on his lips, worried she’s going to be offended. “I just can’t help but wonder what Rhodes thinks about all that.”

To his surprise, Pepper laughs out loud.

“James is fine with it really. I wonder sometimes... Which one of us do you think loved him the most?”

Steve doesn’t know what to say to that but he’s glad suddenly, to know that they found each other in this strange future.

He’d been worried about her decision to go through with this ‘artificial fertilization treatment’ as they called it from the start. To be frank, he’d thought she’d completely lost her mind at the time, telling him that Tony had wanted this child and that she’d make sure to honor his memory accordingly. 

The risks were high and it had been so long... Steve doesn’t know much about the science behind freezing sperm and transplanting eggs in a woman’s body, but it’s definitely not how you did things back in the day.

At the time, almost 3 years had gone by since Tony’s death and Pepper and Rhodey were just starting over. It seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. He’d tried to convince her to reconsider it. After that, they hadn’t spoken for a while.

In the 1930s, raising another man’s child was frowned upon. It happened a lot but people were morally indignant about it. Steve never cared for the bigotry.

When they were kids, Bucky and him often visited one of the working girls of the district. Everyone called her Babe but her real name was Elisabeth. She enjoyed their company and their easy banter and often told them things about the men in their neighborhood that would change their perception of the male sex forever. When they were barely old enough to win a fight, they beat up a guy for disrespecting her and her sweet ‘fatherless child’ once. Then his ma found out about the whole thing and put a stop to the visits. He wonders what happened to her...

“So how are you doing these days? How’s Barnes?” Pepper lays a hand on his arm, bringing him back to the present.

“Well, I’m good. Mostly. Keeping busy. I’m doing my best not to go crazy here...” He sighs deeply. “Bucky was fine the last time I saw him but we couldn’t talk for very long. He seems to be doing for well himself though.”

Pepper detects the bitterness in his voice. Her smile becomes strained.

“You’re both doing the best you can in an impossible situation. I know it’s not fair but at least you know he’s still out there somewhere, alive.”

“Yeah, you’re right but I miss him. I miss him so much...” Steve hears his voice waiver and his eyes start to burn. “It hurts to wake up without him every day. Sometimes I forget he’s not there for a second and then it all comes crashing back when I realize—”

Pepper nods. “I know the feeling.”

They stand there in silence, just looking over the cemetery with its countless tombs for a while.

Pepper straightens up and gives him a reassuring smile. She’s turning to leave.

“One day, they will pay for what they did to us. When Thanos is defeated, Bucky will come home to you. I’m sure of it.”

“Yeah...” Steve’s choice cracks. “Yeah, he will.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled so much with this chapter because its just a ton of exposition but you guys support me through it all. :) Thanks everyone for liking and commenting on my stuff. You encourage me to keep going. 
> 
> Special thanks go to d—t on tumblr this time. Please check out their fanart for the fic:  
> https://d--t.tumblr.com/post/167754783499/started-reading-devildears-fic-sacrifice-which


	6. Thanos‘s heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He never had a choice with Hydra, never questioned his orders in fear of the chair, but he’s a person now and he doesn’t WANT TO.” 
> 
> Bucky attempts to seduce Thanos to get a voice implant. It doesn’t go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warnings for this chapter: Threats of death, mutilation and rape, aborted dub-con, victim blaming, fawning, ableist language, slavery, disassociation, mind control, mentions of character death and past abuse, mutilation and rape.
> 
> Spoiler warning: There will be no actual rape/ dub-con in this chapter but we come pretty close. Read more in the notes below.

Sometimes sex is about power and if Bucky gets a voice out of it he _still wins._

He can do this. It’s not that big of a deal really. He’s been with a lot of people and one more doesn’t ~~ma~~ — _Stop._

 _Yes it does._  
_Of course it fucking matters._  
It matters to him and it will matter _to Steve._

Bucky hasn’t been with anyone else since they became an item again. He didn’t want to. Recovering his sense of self had been tough but they’d managed with heated kisses and very tight full body hugs that had them both flustered until he was ready.

He never had a choice with Hydra, never questioned his orders in fear of the chair, but he’s a person now and he doesn’t WANT TO.

No, he really doesn’t want to but he’s _out of options._ If he plays Thanos well enough to get a voice out of it, well... He tells himself it’s just sex in exchange for something else. A trade. A simple equation.

Bucky looks into the mirror by the door and picks up a hair tie. A little effort could go a long way with Thanos, so he has to come prepared. When he tries to put his hair up in a top knot, a few strands catch on the cracks in the purple arm and get stuck in the plates of his left hand. _Damn it._ He picks the hair out of both prosthetics where it’s struck with care, pulls the hair tie off completely, and starts anew.

His reflection in the mirror is kind of a let down. If he wants to seduce the mad titan he has to look exited about it which means he needs to start smiling _right fucking now_ but every time he tries, his lips wobble and his hands start to shake again.

 _Pull yourself together!_ He’s the fucking Winter Soldier, the Executioner. The aliens fear him even more than the humans did. Bucky has killed too many living things to count for selfish reasons and so he doesn’t get to cry over his petty feelings like he’s innocent in all of this.

A few more firm tugs and the hair finally stays up. He swallows hard. 

Steve _loves_ his hair like this. Bucky had always made an effort to look his best when they went out together back in Brooklyn before the war and he’d kept the tradition alive in the new century - minus the girls they used to take on double dates. They were never interested in Steve when he was little. Apparently, most people don't have enough common sense to know a good thing when it passes them by. Their loss.

Steve always looked hot before and after the serum but contrary to the guy’s screwed beliefs, Bucky actually has to work for the effortless look he’s going for. ‘Woke up his like this’ is a lot of crap but he tries because he wants to make Steve feel appreciated. It works like a charm every time. Sometimes, it still steals his breath when he opens the door and—

All that’s in the past now.

Bucky touches the dog tags under his shirt. They’re Steve’s. His original tags had been lost in the war, so they went to a jeweler together and got new ones. He’d never forget the look in Steve’s eyes when he put them on and pressed the new piece to his heart. “Now you’ll always remember who you are, and so will I,” he said before he kissed him in the middle of the street in broad daylight.

That day was one of his favorite memories to relive. Before the final battle they’d exchanged their tags like a promise. _Til the end of the line._  As far as Bucky is concerned they’re practically engaged now, and even if they weren’t, he still belongs to Steve, always has, body and soul. 

He doesn’t wear the tags up here often so Thanos won’t find out about their significance. The mad titan has no idea what they are but he’s already threatened to take them once, and Bucky doesn’t like the odds.

There’s no way around it now. He must take them off before he goes. Wearing them for this would be an even bigger betrayal than the one he’s already planning, and Steve doesn’t deserve that. When he pulls the tags over his head and drops them on the counter, Bucky can’t stand to look in the mirror again.

His chest feels constricted and his stomach lurches. He tries to breath through it like he learned in therapy, holding onto the counter. Puking his guts out certainly won’t make him more desirable to Thanos, so he needs to _calm the fuck down_ already.

_It’s a panic attack, idiot. You can survive those. Just breath. In out in out in out in...._

He loses some time.

Sometimes, when he gets stressed like this, his brain starts to fire random memories at him. They’re not completely random though, more like Bucky’s emotional greatest hits. He relives some of the feelings attached to them or in case of his lacking emotional capabilities as the Soldier, he feels what would have been appropriate at the time. It sucks to get stuck in these loops but he can’t stop the memories from coming. 

At first, Bucky is sitting in his mother’s kitchen, the year is 1931.

Suddenly it’s 2017, and he’s with Steve in Wakanda.

Then, he’s with Hydra getting frozen.

He falls off the train again.

He meets a blond boy.

He kills a mother of two.

He’s in the Soviet Union.

He makes love to Steve, he loses his metal arm, he receives a letter from the army, he sees Tony Stark die, he’s fighting Steve on the heli carrier, he’s reciting his serial number...

A hand is touching his temple and he’s jolted back to the present. He scrambles away from Ebony Maw’s little rat face that is swimming into his vision. Everything else is upside down and completely out of focus.

Bucky sits up and puts his head between his mechanical legs, rocking back and forth slightly, trying to recover from the flash backs.

“What is he doing?” Proxima hisses from outside the door. “Is he losing it again? God... I don’t see how this is entertaining at all.”

She’s ignored. Maw waves in front of his face. “Barnes? Are you with us?”

Bucky nods weakly. He forgets that he has no voice for a second and tries to say something. What comes out is barely a raspy gurgling sound. It sounds like he’s been shouting himself hoarse for days.

“Pathetic,” Proxima says. She shakes his head in disapproval. 

“Alright now...” Maw insists. “Thanos wants you in an hour. I’ll let him know you’ll be on your way.”

They watch him do the rocking thing as he tries to get his breathing under control, waiting for confirmation of his assignment. Finally, when he stumbles trying to pick himself up from the floor, Maw does something with his hands that clears the fog in his brain immediately.

It’s like the meds they gave him for emergencies on Earth, only this is freaking mind control all over again. It’s effective but Bucky hates to be manipulated. The sudden clarity in his head gives him whiplash. _Human brains aren’t supposed to work like that._

Maw gives him a courteous nod as if he just did him the greatest favor and leaves the room.

Bucky notices that the paper with his request for the mad titan is still clutched tightly in his hand. It’s crumbled now but he smoothes it back out and tugs it in his pocket.

He looks at his watch.

There are 57 minutes and 10 seconds left to make himself look... ~~fuckable~~  agreeable enough for Thanos and get his screwed head set on the task at hand.

_Man, this is gonna blow up in my face so bad._

 

* * *

 

“So what you’re trying to say is, you want to offer me your body. Is that correct?”

Bucky nods. He’s already sitting on the mad titan’s bed, naked from the waist up, hoping that the low lighting in the room will help the mood somehow. His discarded shirt lies at Thanos feet. 

The mad titan is neither dressed in full tactical gear nor his shiny golden uniform today, so that’s a plus. The robe tells Bucky that he woke up no longer than 2 hours ago and he seems weirdly more relaxed than usual. 

“Well, our anatomies should fit together well enough but I thought you humans were... What’s the word...” Thanos leans towards him in his seat by the oversized bedside table. One hand props his enormous head. “Monogamous?”

Bucky nods at the ground. He feels so ashamed for betraying Steve like this that it’s almost a physical hurt.

“But you still want me?”

 _No._ Bucky looks up and nods again, keeping his eyes fixed somewhere behind Thanos’s head. He should be looking at the titan’s mouth or into his eyes, but he can’t do that right now. Looking at someone’s lips and making eye contact suggests actual sexual interest. It’s not that hard to project but he’d have to be really convincing. He can’t lie with his body language. If Thanos catches him lying he’s done.

“Why? What is it?” The mad titan pinches his nose. “What do you want?”

Bucky’s heart is hammering in his throat. This is already going in a dangerous direction. He’d hoped he wouldn’t have to explain it like this. Not when the mad titan seems bored with him already. 

He hands Thanos the note with an almost steady hand. VOICE.

Thanos stares at the paper. For a second Bucky thinks he’s gonna kill him right on the spot but when Thanos finally looks up his whole body is shaking with laughter. The sound of it fills the entire room. He’s cackling at a deafening volume.

Bucky doesn’t dare to move a muscle. Thanos laughs and laughs for several minutes until he finally calms down.

“I don’t know if I should congratulate or execute you.” 

_Please say congratulate..._

“This is the boldest offer anyone’s ever made me and I have been around for a long time.” He wipes the tears from his eyes. “What makes you think I’m even interested in the likes of you? Huh? I have many admirers. I don’t need to trade.”

Bucky has no choice. He swallows the rest of his pride and drops to the floor. His artificial legs make a dull sound when he hits the ground. Thanos is watching him curiously as Bucky crawls towards him and gets to his knees between the mad titan’s legs.

 ~~This is Steve favorite blow job position. “You’re so good for me, Buck...”~~ ~~Don’t you dare think about him now!~~

He points at the note again, bowing his head. _Please._ It’s more than a little suggestive.

“You realize I took your voice as a punishment? You caused quite the scandal.”

Bucky nods again. The mad titan pats his hair briefly. 

“Have I ever told you about my family?”

Bucky blinks and shakes his head in confusion. _That’s a way to change the topic, alright..._

Thanos smiles. “You know, when I was a child my parents were afraid of me. I was born as an Ethernal, a noble being, but a disease made me hard to look at. My own mother tried to kill me at birth. I made her pay for that later.”

Bucky can imagine it all too well.

“So, you see, I was an ugly unloved child but I had powers far beyond their control. Power is everything you need in this world. The rest will follow. Love, respect, wealth, loyalty. If you’re powerful enough these things will follow you anywhere.”

Clearly, Thanos doesn’t see that there’s a difference between loving someone and wanting to share their position but Bucky doesn’t point that out. The mad titan would never understand a love like Steve’s and his. 

“My brother Eros is a very different creature. He’s always been beautiful and strong. Everyone wanted to be like him but his abilities are horrifying. He can stimulate the pleasure centers in another’s brain. It makes them calm and suggestible. When there’s physical contact and a direct line of sight between him and his... unfortunate target, they become infatuated with him. They’re helpless to it. Can you imagine what that would be like?”

Bucky feels sick. _Please let this be a rhetorical question._

“Imagine that you see this man who is absolutely irresistible to you. Of course you must have him at once, so the two of you go to his room, and you do all the naughty things you’ve ever dreamed of doing with another. Your body is satisfied like it never was before but on the next day, when you wake up in his bed, the spell is broken, and you see him for the monster he really is.”

The titan sighs. “Now, with the stones I could do the same to you if I wanted to, make you forget all about Steve Rogers for a while, but I’ve heard too many stories like this in my youth. I’m tired of such games. They bore me. I‘d rather you see me for the monster I am now than have you look at me in disgust after.”

Thanos stands up and walks over to a cabinet. He searches for something inside and then tosses it to Bucky.

He only catches it out of reflex. Bucky stares at the thing in his hands. He’d thought of another complicated augmentation that needed surgery and stitches but never of this. 

In his hand, he’s holding an multilingual external voice emitter. They’re used for language translation all over the galaxy. He’s seen them before. With the many races out here you can’t be expected to learn every dialect by hard. If you don’t have an infinity stone at your disposal, you just select a language and hold it to your throat. Anything you say comes out translated by an electronic voice.

They’re quite common actually. He could have gotten one himself, bought it and stored it away, modified it to match his old voice. It must be able to analyze the movement of his mouth and throat, and translate them despite the damage to his vocal cords.

If he’d realized this sooner, he wouldn’t have to sleep with Thanos at all.

 _Fuck._ He can’t take it back now. Thanos gave it to him and he’ll expect him to pay for it. _I’m so sorry, Stevie._ He’s such an idiot, he wants to cry.

Thanos walks over to the bed where Bucky is sitting and lets his robe fall to the floor.

Bucky’s heart rate picks up drastically. He tries not to stare at the titan’s muscular body, which is almost double his own height and mass, but he’s close enough to see it all in great detail. Thanos was right. Anatomically, they’re not that different but the mad titan is grotesquely huge compared to a human, especially where it counts. Bucky can feel his face heat up and casts his eyes downward. _This is gonna hurt._

“Do you think I’m ugly? Is it hard for you to look at me like this?”

Bucky blushes a deeper red and looks up again with some difficulty. He swallows hard, trying to suppress his initial panic.

It’s a trick question. If he tells Thanos that he desires his body it will flatter his ego but he has to be convincing otherwise he’ll get punished for not speaking the truth. Thanos hates false flattery. If he tells him how ugly he is though, he’ll probably lose more body parts for offending him. The mad titan must be sensitive about his looks or he wouldn’t have told his creepy family history.  

Bucky’s desperately wrecking his brain for a good answer. The seconds pass by and Thanos is waiting for him.

“Speak up now, boy. Don’t be shy.“

Bucky takes a deep breath and meets his eyes. When he finally puts the emitter to his throat and raises his voice, he winches at the electronic sound of it. 

“Your muscles are aesthetically pleasing, master. They attest to your strength. Masculinity is an ideal that Earthern men try to achieve. They work very hard for it.”

“Aesthetically pleasing...” Thanos huffs but he seems satisfied enough with the answer.

_Thank god._

Bucky had been known to weasel his way out of a tough situation back in the day. Steve always says he’s like a cat with nine lives. 

 _Good to know I still got it,_ his hysterical brain supplies.

“What about your Captain then? Is he a beautiful man by your human standards?”

Bucky’s pulse races. He doesn’t know what Thanos is getting at and briefly contemplates lying again but he’s sure that the titan wouldn’t buy it. 

_He’s the most beautiful thing I ever touched..._

“Yes,” Bucky answers very quietly, looking away. Talking about Steve like this hurts. The feeling of betrayal is like a lump in his throat. The emitter is trying to boosting the sound of his husky voice when repeats the answer with more confidence.

“Yes he is.”

“So you desire him?”

Bucky nods again.

“Do you think he is more beautiful than me?” 

_Don’t fucking answer that._

He can’t lie. Bucky’s eyes go wide in panic but Thanos just laughs again.

“Fear not. Your answer doesn’t concern me. I learned that there’s more important things than beauty a long time ago. Your people think they know perfection but it is not the same as an average human build. Captain America is not the man they should aspire to be. That’s why I’m doing all this.”

Thanos closes his robe again and goes to sit in his chair. Bucky closes his eyes for a second, letting the mortification wash over him before he relaxes slightly.

“You’ve known my daughters, Gamora and Nebula. Both of them were beautiful and deadly. I personally trained them in combat. As it turned out, Nebula always lost to her sister in a fair fight. I didn’t know why, so I took some parts of her after every battle and made them better, stronger, so they’d be true equals in the field. I made her a perfect machine. Little by little. I’m doing the same with you now.”

Bucky shiveres. It’s a horrible thing to look forward to. Thanos shakes his head at him.

“You’re an amazing fighter and one of the most resourceful beings I’ve ever seen. Your love for this pathetic man and your fragile human body are your only weaknesses. I’ll cleanse you of them both and make you better. You can’t see the benefits now but one day you will be greatful.”

Bucky doubts all of that but he doesn’t let it show.

“You will hate me for it like my daughters did but once you have embraced your new parts you’ll exceed my expectations and serve me well. I won’t waste you as a pleasure slave. The others tell me your mind is too delicate as it is, and even if I wanted to use you for this purpose, my affections lie somewhere else right now.”

Thanos smiles at him with an unsettling expression.

“You see, I’m in love. My lady is a jealous woman and she’s coming here today. I wouldn’t wanna cross her if I were you. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about before you started to undress yourself...”

Thanos’s eyes regard his shirt on the floor disapprovingly and Bucky’s face flushes in shame as he scrambles to pick it up. 

“She’ll be needing a personal guard for the time being and she’s heard of your skills. If you make a good impression, and that’s a big if, maybe we can get you something a little more permanent to speak with. She enjoys polite conversation with peasants.” 

Bucky stares at him, waiting for the catch. “So I just get to keep this?” His index finger taps on the emitter. He can’t believe his luck. 

“For now.” 

“Thank you. I’ll... I’ll do my best.” 

Thanos raises an eyebrow. “I sure hope so. Screw this up for me and I’ll remove some parts that you and your perfect Captain would miss dearly.” 

Bucky swallows hard. “Understood.” 

“Now put your clothes on, and get out of my room at once. Make sure everything is ready for our guest. She’ll be here shortly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers: Bucky offers himself to Thanos to get a voice implant. It’s very clear that he doesn’t want to have sex with Thanos at all but he believes there’s no other option. In the first half of the chapter, he tries to make himself look “fuckable” to seduce the mad titan but he still consideres himself engaged to Steve and feels very guilty for his plans. Because the whole situation, Bucky feels ill, has a panic attack with flashbacks (he briefly mentions killing a mother of two) and disassociates. It’s just hurt with no real comfort. Ebony Maw mindcontrols Bucky for a faster recovery. Proxima Midnight says he’s “losing it again” so be aware of the ableist/ victim blaming language.
> 
> In both parts, Bucky believes he will be hurt or suffer other consequences if he can’t convince Thanos of his honest desire for him. 
> 
> After the break in the second half of the chapter he’s in Thanos’ room and is sitting on the bed already. Bucky is only half dressed for the rest of the scene and Thanos gets naked too, briefly. Bucky calls him “master”, crawls to him and gets on his knees between Thanos’ legs which he remembers Steve calling “the blow job position”. Thanos’ physically threatening anatomy is discussed briefly and there’s even more fear, shame and guilt on Bucky’s part. When he realizes there was another way to get a voice via an external emitter that Thanos hands him he feels that it’s too late to say no and thinks he’s an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Thanos pats Bucky’s hair briefly and tells him about his rapist brother who magically date rapes people with his powers and lets him know he could that to Bucky if he wanted to.  
> Nebula and Gamora are brought up too, and Thanos says he only seeks to make his protégés “better” so the torture and abuse they and Bucky were facing are not acknowledged. He vaguely threatens to remove Bucky’s genitalia if he ruins his plans with a love interest.


	7. A visit from Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Darling, you fight like you’re off your rockers.”
> 
> She says it like a compliment, giving him a bright smile. Bucky laughs involuntarily.
> 
> “You have no idea, ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Specific trigger warnings for this chapter: One mention of religiously motivated period-typical homophobia, violence, abuse, discussion of slavery and starvation, body disphoria, suicidal thoughts and negative self talk, some vore and body horror, disassociation. 
> 
> Please let me know if you want me to tag any further triggers or need a detailed summary like the one I provided last time. 
> 
> I have included some links to pictures which served as inspiration for Bucky’s prosthetics and how they’re attached to his body in the comments below. 
> 
> Special thanks go to the lovely praximeter who came up with the idea of including Hela in the fic in the first place. 
> 
> Writing a fight scene was a real challenge.

Space is an endless black hole. It drives Bucky crazy. He’s been living in this bottomless pit without water, humans, and anything else that makes life bearable for so long, sometimes he wonders if it’s even real.

He could have died in the war a long time ago and gone to hell for his sins. Not necessarily for the sodomy but for everything else. Or maybe it’s all one big hallucination. Maybe he’s still with Hydra. Maybe he never got down from Zola’s table at all.

It’s not a thought that can be easily dismissed. Steve loving him back after everything he’s done, living in a spaceship with aliens that cut off his limbs for insolence? Oh, please. How likely does that sound?

Well, come to think of it this way, with his bad luck, it’s actually pretty fucking likely. He’s an immortal shit magnet. There’s just no end to the Winter Soldier’s suffering.

_As it should be._

When he looks out of the window and misses the horizon these days, uncertain which way is up or down, Bucky often fantasizes about his death. He longs for it.

Of course, he can’t risk ending things himself but Thanos must have made some powerful enemies along the way. Someone to arrive with an armada of ships and blast them all to hell. It would be quick, and Steve would be far, far away. Safe and sound where no one can touch him.

Maybe it would be better if they captured Bucky first. Revenge has never done him any good but that doesn’t mean a little torture can’t help others to settle the score. To go in one big beautiful ball of fire is way too gentle. He deserves a painful death with the rest of these monsters. Maybe even more so.

Killing without mercy is the purpose of the Black Order. Everyone here knew that long before they set a foot on Thanos’s ship but Bucky has slaughtered innocents, families, an entire race once, wiped out their home planet as a punishment for minor offenses in the name of the mad titan. _All to save one man._

At night, he can see their faces, watching him, waiting for judgement day to arrive. Bucky’s love is a terrible thing and justice must be served sooner or later.

He crosses his metal arms, wrapping his shivering body in numb limbs. The phantom pain doesn’t trouble him as much as it used to.

The humiliating “ _conversation”_ with Thanos earlier that day has left Bucky dead-tired and freezing to the bone. He’s been so stupid. Of course he’s glad to have a voice again but he feels too dirty and ashamed to enjoy this as a momentary victory.

_What use will it be anyways?_

Steve is never gonna see his face or touch his ruined body again. If he could Bucky would gladly tear off the rest of his human skin and shed like a snake... But those are crazy thoughts.

Thanos would make him regret it. No one is allowed to damage his property.

Bucky wishes he could take a shower at least. An actual running shower. Not that ion light shit in his room. He knows they’re taking water from Earth every time they go down there to collect their tribute but he’s got no idea what they actually do with it. It’s not for drinking or washing or flushing the toilet. He has investigated those options. _So what the hell are they doing with it?_

Not being in the know about basic things like that fills him with helpless anger at times. The disturbing atmosphere today is making it worse. It’s just like Thanos to inform the servants of an important visit at the last minute and then take off their heads for being too slow. The lower levels must be in a panic to get the food ready in time.

Usually, this part of the ship is ghostly-quiet and Bucky prefers it like that. He can watch the outside in peace here, lay down on the floor, stare right through the glass ceiling and pretend he doesn’t exist at all.

Sometimes, when he’s drifting, he dreams of home, imaging what could have been if the invasion never happened. If they took the deal. Everything’s perfect in those fantasies. Steve always looks beautiful and happy in his mind. When he gets out of bed first (which is a rare occurrence in the real world but he’s allowed some artistic license) Bucky makes pancakes for the two of them. The imaginary taste is only a weak echo of the real thing but it still makes his mouth water.

If only they hadn’t been such reckless idiots, hell-bent on going to war with anyone who looked at them wrong their entire lives they could have had it all. Thanos is not completely unreasonable. If they had just given up the fight and accepted the changes instead, maybe this could have been a life worth living. A quiet one with laughter and much less pain.

Bucky’s retreat is buzzing with restless energy now. Table servants rush through the halls, passing him with decorations and plates for the banquet. Thanos must have put the fear of God in them, too.

The upper decks are reserved for the mad titan and the Black Order. Guests are rarely welcome here and when they’re invited it’s always for diplomatic purposes or to get decapitated by Thanos himself for their mistakes.

_This almost looks like fun._

The richly adorned hall has been equipped with a long stone table and heavy wrought iron chairs. Everything is decorated with strange flowers, and jewels, and what must be bones of some lesser beings the mad titan and his guards have slain in the past. Bucky doesn’t look at them too closely, hoping he didn’t kill anyone on the table personally at least. _That would make for one awkward meal._

The only effective way to deal with such horrors is with a heavy dose of sarcasm. His conscience is always alive, screaming at him from the back of his mind, telling him that he’s a monster, a bad man. Whether he eats, or sleeps, or slaughters someone, it makes no difference.

Bucky writes down every crime in his little notebook so he’ll never forget but dining with the dead puts a different quality to it. The new look fits Thanos’s reign perfectly. They’re all murderers here and Bucky— the Executioner — is just as rotten as the rest of them. He just _pretends_ differently. It’s good to be reminded of that from time to time.

When Bucky sits down at the table, his legs meet and there’s a dull clinking sound. Table manners are different on the mad titan’s ship, too. Hierarchy must be acknowledged in all things. On titan, masters dine before their servants, so Thanos and his guest will eat while the members of the Order watch and wait their turn. The regular folks will eat the leftovers long after they’ve left the table and everything’s gone cold.

Slaves have no actual right to be fed so they go without sometimes. Most of the aliens here are unfortunate souls that Thanos took from their home planets to teach them a lesson. None of them are here out of their own volition, sharing a similar fate with Bucky.

Still, he doesn’t dare to make friends. Thanos doesn’t like it and they’re too afraid to talk to him about anything that’s not an official part of their duty.

Bucky had made the unfortunate mistake to thank a slave for putting food on his plate once. Thanos had hit him so hard for it, he’d almost dislocated his jaw. As Bucky lay on the table half unconscious from the force of the punch, flecks of red from his busted lip all over the broken tableware, the mad titan ripped out the screaming slave’s spine, placed it in front of him and said “thank you for your service” to the blood-dripping carcass.

Bucky would never forget that scream and the horrified look in the poor man’s eyes right after he’d realized what he had said to him.

Sometimes, his memory plays tricks on Bucky and he remembers it differently. What really happened stays buried in the fog. In his nightmares, Bucky is always the one to rip out the servant’s spine at the end and then Thanos makes him pick off the flesh and eat it. He can hear the slippery bones crack in his metal hands.

No. He doesn’t ~~want to~~ remember that. That’s not how it happened. That’s not…

“Just look at all the effort he makes for her. You’d think Thanos was over such silly displays of affection,” Proxima whispers to her partner.

Bucky hasn’t noticed them until now, lost in thought. They’re already seated left and right at the table, closest to Thanos throne at the head. The servants shuffle its heavy weight to the side carefully. When a second seat is placed besides the throne, Proxima looks affronted.

 _Oh how the tables have turned._ Seeing that she’s not his favorite anymore gives Bucky a petty sense of satisfaction.  _At least he’s not the only one who failed to fuck himself to the top._

Corvus whispers something to her but it’s too quiet to be overheard. She snickers in response. Besides them, the Black Dwarf and Supergiant look equally bored.

Ebony Maw is the last member of the Order to arrive as per usual. He sits down in his seat opposed to Bucky, looks at him inquisitorially and squints.

“Your plan was unsuccessful then, I take it?”

Bucky glares across the table but doesn’t dignify him with an answer.

“You do know that I could help you secure your position, yes?”

“Depends. Do you know that I could rip your head clean off?”

Bucky takes the gleaming silver dagger by his plate, flips it over and points it at Maw. “Leave me the fuck alone and stop peeping at my mind, you freak.”

“Oh, it’s mad now.” Supergiant leans forward. “What are you gonna do about it, pet?”

They’re hoping for a fight. Bucky gets ready to jump over the table and throw some punches when they hear Thanos’s heavy footsteps approaching in the distance, and that’s the end of it.

When the mad titan enters the hall the Order scrambles to their feet.

At Thanos’s side strides a tall gracile woman. She wears a long black and green robe with an eccentric headdress that looks like a giant antler. It’s definitely the most dramatic entrance Bucky’s ever seen (Steve’s theatrics included) and he tries hard not to stare at her in awe. _Definitely out of this world._ She must be some kind of god with that confidence and fashion sense. 

Bucky stands at attention. Without paying him or the others any mind, the strange woman walks past her own seat and sits down on Thanos’s throne instead like she owns the place.

No one dares to correct her. They all hold their breaths.

“Order,” Thanos voice booms but it still carries a weirdly affectionate tone. “This is my lady Death. You will treat her with the utmost respect.”

She regards everyone at the table with a cold smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you but I told you to call me Hela, my love.”

“Yes, of course.” Thanos stands behind her and kneads her shoulders. Bucky would be concerned that he’s planning to wring her neck if he were her but she doesn’t look unsettled in the least.

“Beloved Hela, these are my children, the Black Order, the best warriors you will find in the entire galaxy.”

She points at Bucky. “I’ve heard tales of that metal arm but the rest is new.”

Hela lets her eyes wander over his body from top to bottom lingering on the prosthetics with interest.

Bucky fights the urge to cover himself. It would be an impossible task anyways. The mad titan doesn’t let him wear pants over the synthetic legs so he’d cut off his black uniform at the thighs and secured it with belts. Thanos’s taylor had done a great job with the concept. The uniform he wears now reminds him of his old Winter Soldier jacket. Bucky’s sure that it’s made this way to torture him more (at least a little bit) but mostly, it’s because actual pants hinder his movements.

The prosthetics start in the middle of his upper thighs and are hooked into the flesh there, using the bone and the rest of his kneecaps as hinges. The lower legs are a little slimmer than his own and make his walk look more feminine. They have no heel so he’s practically standing on tiptoes all the time like a dame.

He’s seen Steve run like that before, bouncing off the footpads when it counts. It makes him faster than a normal person and deadly with speed.

“How about a demonstration to go with our dinner, my lord?”

 _Well, shit._ A chill runs down Bucky’s spine and the adrenaline makes his heart beat faster. He’s not exactly in top form after the day he’s had but there’s no way Thanos would refuse a challenge.

“I would love to see your warriors fight. You praised their strength and endurance so much I’m curious to see if they hold up to the promise.”

There’s no doubt about it now. _This one knows how to play him._

“Of course they will hold up to the promise but I’d love to see you entertained.”

She nods. “Alright then. I will pick my champion.”

 

* * *

 

The Black Dwarf is a giant. Almost twice Bucky’s height and more than four times the muscle. His skin is unbreakable.

Objectively, it’s not the worst pick against him but fighting the mind games faction would have been more difficult. The physically superior body type and abilities of Bucky’s opponent will make no difference. Just because you can’t break the skin doesn’t mean he can’t feel pain.

In any case, brute force is underrated here. The vibration of Bucky’s blows will still register. Unbreakable skin or not. The only effective way to end a fight against this guy is a sharp blow to the head.

It’s no secret that brain trauma is one of the most dangerous injuries. You can’t see the damage from the outside but it’s still there, eating away at you. Bucky can attest to that.

The lack of blood on the floor will be a plus though. It’s easier to hurt those who don’t bleed the same color as the people you love.

Bucky’s already ended too many lives without the appropriate remorse for that very reason but this is not the time to fall apart. Guilt won’t help him now. Not when there’s a mission at hand.

Thanos gives the signal and the Black Dwarf comes towards him. Heavy steps are giving away his speed and position before he makes a move. Bucky doesn’t even have to try. He could track him with his eyes closed and the sheer size of him makes it hard to miss.

The giant’s arms are high, ready to take a swing at him.

Bucky engages. He feigns a jump. A single blow with the old metal arm.

There’s no impact but he ducks fast enough to hit the Black Dwarf in his left rib with the momentum instead.

His opponent groans.

Bucky crouches down and lurches at his back like a cat. The mechanical eye finds a weak spot in the neck. A vicious little computer. _Right there._

Impact. The second hit tackles the Black Dwarf with more force. It lands with an audible thud.

Bucky can tell that it must have hurt something awful immediately but he’s too slow to get out of the way after the landing.

A stone-hard fist hits him in the shoulder and he falls, sliding several meters on the ground until he hits the wall. Bam!

_Fuck! That hurts!_

INJURY SUSTAINED. The mechanical eye warns him, displaying a quick body scan.

_No shit._

MAINTENANCE REQUIRED. 

_Not now!_

His shoulder is definitely dislocated but there’s no time to dwell on it. Heavy footsteps approach from behind.

There’s an animalistic roar.  
Bucky stands up and sways to the left, slightly disoriented, before a brutal kick can land in his back.

The new legs make him faster. He can jump and kick with deadly speed but it’s harder to get up after a fall and the balance is a delicate thing. For the first few weeks after the surgery, he hadn’t been able to walk at all. Instead, he’d crawled over the floor in his quarters like an insect, pulling his entire body forward with his arms.

Now, they’re a part of him and he intends to use their power to his advantage.

Bucky ducks and blocks a few hits.

It’s not easy to gain the upper hand. The two fighters go back and forth, looking for any sign of weakness.

Bucky’s starting to sweat with the effort of running in circles, trying to tire out his opponent and cover his own ass at the same time. Dark hair sticks to his damp forehead. His shoulder burns.

The Black Dwarf keeps swinging, aiming to hit the injured arm.

Bucky stumbles, taking step after step backwards and to the side again.

_Focus._

Then finally, there’s an opening.  
Lowering his center of gravity, he holds his right metal hand tight to his face and throws a jab towards the giant’s chin.

The Black Dwarf tries to swap him away like a fly but Bucky shifts his weight, ducking under his punch. His hair brushes against the huge fist, only a few millimeters from a serious hit.

Tightening every muscle, Bucky kicks his legs upwards, landing a hard, well-aimed hit under the chin. Then he flips over backwards into a more secure stand and launches a shovel hook into the exposed side.

The impact makes the Black Dwarf’s skin shake with vibration, like rippling waves.  
He goes to his knees with a grunt.

Bucky wastes no time.

He jumps again, at the back of his opponent, lifting himself with one hand on the giant’s shoulders and wraps his legs around his neck.

This was Natasha’s favorite move. Bucky’s perfected it to fit the new body.

He holds on tight with his thighs on both sides of the Black Dwarf‘s neck, lifts his upper body up, and rams the elbow of his uninjured side into the back of his head in rapid succession. One, two, three times.

There’s a hollow scream and a small crack inside the skull right under the skin.

Bucky lets himself hang backwards. His purple arm opens with a hiss and extends, the inner parts rearranging, unfolding for a new use.

_It’s a machine gun._

Bucky aims it right at the Black Dwarf’s head, targeting the vulnerable spot, exhales and fires.

Impact. The projectile explodes against his opponent’s head. The sound is like a lightning strike.

Then it’s dead-quiet.

The Black Dwarf doesn’t move at all and for a second Bucky thinks the shot wasn’t aimed correctly despite his robotic eye constantly confirming the data.

Then, the massive body starts to sway. Bucky remembers to unclench his legs just in time.

He slides to the ground right when the giant falls backwards and scrambles away before he gets buried under his weight. The body misses him only by a hair’s breadth.

Bucky rolls on his back, breathing hard. His arm retracts, folding up with a mechanical whirr, a regular shaped limb at his side again. 

He rises to his feet.

_There are other people in the room._

Bucky remembers where he is with a jolt, becoming uncomfortably aware of his audience. 

The members of the Order look at him with judgment in their eyes. Their reactions to his victory are mixed, most of them unhappy.

Thanos’s face betrays no emotion at all.

_Shit._

He drops to his knees and checks on the unconscious giant on the ground, touching his face and reading his vital signs over and over.

_His real name is Cull Obsidian._

_He’s not_ _dead yet._

_You didn’t kill him._

_He’s gonna be ok, isn’t he?_

_Just pull it together!_

_His name is..._

The lady Death stands up and starts to clap.

Everyone stares.

She approaches Bucky without so much as a hint of fear and pulls him to his feet with supernatural strength. The pressure sensors detect her clasping his unyielding upper arms like a vise. The plates are still cold to the touch in contrast to his sweaty human body that radiates heat like a furnace. 

The dislocated shoulder hurts more now without the mission laser focus and the adrenaline high.

He blinks a little overwhelmed.

“Darling, you fight like you’re off your rockers.”

She says it like a compliment, giving him a bright smile. Bucky laughs involuntarily.

“You have no idea, ma’am.”

 

* * *

 

After dinner, when their guest has moved on to Thanos’s private quarters, the mad titan tells him of his plan.

“My lady will be in need of a bodyguard soon, when she leaves here and she’s requested you of all people for the task. You made quite the impression.”

Bucky looks at him perplexed. He doesn’t know what to say to that. Of course he’d love nothing more than to get out of this hell hole, no questions asked, but there’s no way that Thanos is gonna let him go anywhere without supervision.

_Don’t get excited._

“That demonstration earlier? It was a test run. You did well despite that little freak out at the end, so I’m just gonna have to trust you on this.”

He feels almost warm about the unexpected praise but the word “trust” sounds so completely ridiculous out of Thanos’s mouth that Bucky has to bite his tongue not to laugh.

It’s really hard. He holds the voice emitter to his throat.

“Trust. Got it. When do I start?”

Thanos regards him with suspicion and squints. “This is a serious matter. There’s no room for mistakes.”

_Oh, Jesus. He’s actually concerned for her! It’s a damn miracle!_

Thinking about how obviously hooked Thanos must be to let him go now seems even more ridiculous to Bucky.

Whatever his face betrays, the mad titan doesn’t like it. He grabs Bucky by his throat and lifts him of the ground, pinning him against the wall. The pain in Bucky’s shoulder flares up hot.

“You think, this is gonna be some kind of holiday for you?”

Bucky grabs at his arm and wheezes.

“Listen carefully, boy. You’re NOT to make contact with Rogers this time!”

He shakes him like a disobedient child for good measure. “I told her all about him. She’s a smart woman. Don’t waste her time. She’ll know what you’re up to before you do and report back to me.”

His hateful eyes are uncomfortably close to Bucky’s now, his breath hot on his face. “You won’t like what happens if you disappoint me again. Are we clear?”

Bucky chokes. He tries to tell him yes but there’s no sound. He can’t reach the emitter.

Thanos must see his rising panic but he just smiles sadistically as Bucky’s kicks and scrambles for purchase. Just when he’s lost enough air to get scared for real, Thanos lets go of him, watching as he falls to the floor with a thud.

“Very good,” Thanos drawls. Bucky barely hears him over the sound of his own cough. “You’re all set. Don’t get too comfortable.”

_Wouldn’t dream of it._

Bucky stays on the floor, greedily sucking air into his lungs. He watches the mad titan walk away until he’s completely out of sight.

When his breathing is somewhat back to normal, Bucky runs to his room to pack up his stuff as fast as possible, smiling all the way. 

29 days left.

_Long enough to come up with a decent plan..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some inspirational pictures to go with the fic. Obviously, I couldn’t find any pictures with the right color but I image the prosthetics to be purple similar to Vision’s skin. 
> 
> This is a site about a computer game with a video and 3 pictures of the artificial legs of a blond woman that come pretty close to what I envisioned: http://www.cgmeetup.net/home/deus-ex-mankind-divided-the-mechanical-apartheid/
> 
> This one is a good alternative design if you imagine Bucky standing on the heels:  
> https://i.pinimg.com/originals/93/90/b9/9390b9dda7cfd543c3eaec43414bf572.jpg
> 
> This site has more good legs and arms:  
> http://www.zbrushcentral.com/showthread.php?165700-Splash-Zone-Artwork-doodles-n-WIPs&p=1187662&viewfull=1#post1187662
> 
> These ones are about the installation and placement of the prosthetics: 
> 
> http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TyopPZ0Cbn4/U5JKfF65eKI/AAAAAAAAAUI/7jMSLGwjpFI/s1600/Prosthetic+Construction+Blog.jpg
> 
> http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ttofpZY7VvQ/VF1uf0rI9sI/AAAAAAAAAWA/l32wRbbX2T4/s1600/limbless%2Bback%2Bblog.png
> 
> This one is really cool and would go well with Bucky’s other side: https://www.google.de/search?tbm=isch&q=full+arm+gauntlets&imgrc=C0TiLY6vjgfowM:&cad=h#imgrc=C0TiLY6vjgfowM:
> 
> Slightly nsfw: http://digitalmaxxx.cgsociety.org/art/cyberpunk-3ds-girl-max-robotic-zbrush-augmented-photoshop-from-behind-1212961
> 
> This could be the arm unfolding:  
> http://conceptartworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Deus_Ex_Mankind_Divided_Concept_Art_Talos_Rucker_Arm.jpg
> 
> This concept is closer to the arm design I envisioned though: https://mobile.twitter.com/METAL_AKIRA/status/718006241163812864/photo/2 
> 
> I can’t find the link for the eye inspiration anymore but I have a whole pinterest board ready if you guys are interested.


	8. Conspiracy to murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Odin’s first-born, once banished from her home world because of her insatiable bloodlust, is a mighty warlord in a pretty getup. Technically, she’s much stronger than Bucky and doesn’t need him at all.  
>   
> Thanos doesn’t seem to know this though which means that Bucky is either a hostage, her status symbol or something worse. He’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Please mind the trigger warnings as always. There's a hint at the constant threat of non-con/dub-con due to Bucky's predicament and some mental issues on his side but it's a rather light chapter overall. 
> 
> Spoiler warning: Chapter 8 contains mild Thor: Ragnarok spoilers and features a side character from the movie. You don't have to know the plot or the character for the scene to make sense though.
> 
> Author's notes: I noticed that I made an anatomical error while describing Bucky's legs in the last chapter. His legs have no heel which means he's standing on what would be the footpads of the prosthetics. I confused something there language wise. Just imagine it like he wears high heels without the heel.

It turns out that staying with Hela is not exactly a vacation but Bucky has killed significantly less people in last 28 days with her than he did in the last 3 with Thanos and that’s a big win. 

He mostly accompanies her on diplomatic missions where his only job is to stand outside, guard the door and look pretty. It’s pleasant enough. As long as there are no incidents, he doesn’t have to hurt anyone.

Hela doesn’t share the details of these meetings with him but he suspects that she might be monitoring the progress in Thanos’s colonies. He’s not sure why. She’s been talking to a lot of influential aliens that Bucky has seen before, either in person or as a hologram. He had to learn all of their names by hard so Thanos didn’t have to.

It seems suspicious that she visits without an official invitation but since it’s not his job to worry about politics anymore, Bucky keeps his mouth shut. No way he’s getting into whatever this is for free. 

His occupation as Hela’s guard dog has been fairly easy so far. They’ve had only one serious assassination attempt when she met a T‘halezyan ambassador (not the one Bucky lost his vocal chords to, thank you very much) but he’s still not sure if their attackers even meant to arrive at the same time as they did. The planet deals with some ongoing political uprising and the ambassador is quite the sleaze bag according to the rumors. Bucky wouldn’t hold it against his people if they tried to remove his head and put it on a spike all things considered but he can’t have them threaten his superior. 

The fighting and the inevitable kill were over quick and quiet. He made the mission report right after the meeting was done and Hela was safely back on her ship. She’d even thanked him for it. 

In another life, Bucky might have liked her. When that is not enough motivation to be ruthless he just needs to imagine what Thanos’s punishment for him would be if he’d let someone hurt a hair on her eccentric head and he’s right back on track.

Despite her pompous outfits, the lady Death travels much lighter than Bucky’s gotten used to. They live in a small silver-colored ship with about 20 other crew members now. None of them are slaves.

Everything’s so different from Thanos’s protocols that the initial anxiety about making a mistake had been a heavy stone in Bucky’s gut. Thankfully, Hela doesn’t punish him for getting things wrong. Asgardian manners are closest to human customs, so it’s easy to adjust to her needs. Bucky’s allowed to eat with her at the table and they’ve established a hesitant trust.

When he’d just started working for her, Hela told him to guard her as he saw fit, so Bucky does it according to his own judgement and experience in the field. He doesn’t have a tight schedule for monitoring the security parameters because there’s no need.

_There are no imminent threats here._

The entire crew has been tested and interrogated to make sure there are no hidden agendas. No one means the lady Death any harm. Most of the crew are mercenaries with a healthy respect for Hela’s powers and Bucky’s reputation. They follow his orders in all things. It’s perfectly safe. 

 _Bucky’s not stupid._ Even if the ship was swarming with traitors, Hela wouldn’t be afraid of anyone or anything. 

He remembers now. Thor had told him that she’d murdered the best of his Asgardian warriors with minimal effort before Ragnarok came and the brothers sought refuge for the remaining survivors on Earth. The town square a bloody battlefield. Slaughtered bodies lying everywhere. 

Odin’s first-born, once banished from her home world because of her insatiable bloodlust, is a mighty warlord in a pretty getup. Technically, she’s much stronger than Bucky and doesn’t need him at all.

Thanos doesn’t seem to know this though, which means that Bucky is either a _hostage_ , her status symbol or something far worse. He’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

At first, he’d wondered if she had requested him as a consort because of her initial interest in his misshapen robot body. In Bucky’s experience, women could be horrible people, too, so it was only logical to assume. It would have been dangerous  _not to._

In the beginning, when he’d just moved into his new quarters, Hela had visited quite often. She asked a lot of uncomfortable questions about the prosthetics, wanted to see the arm extend and let him demonstrate other tricks he could do, but she never made any advances. _Thank god._

Bucky is glad she doesn’t want him like that. He ~~couldn’t find the courage~~ couldn’t do that again. Asking for it and living with the flashbacks after. 

Steve would say it’s not his fault as usual but he doesn’t know shit about these things. He’s still naive. The kind of gentle idiot who always believes the best in people, never giving up on anyone or anything. Bucky’s different. At best, he’s an expert at giving it up.

_It’s 4 hours to midnight._

Time is running out. So far, Bucky’s been through half a hundred voice emitters which he either lent, bought or stole. He’s tried some other experimental shit, too, but the human voice is unique. Nothing sounds quite like Steve’s Bucky is supposed to sound. 

It’s useless to keep trying and its not fair to drag him along like this anyways. Bucky’s not a person Steve can love anymore and there’s a point in time, where he’s gonna have to fess up to that. He’d only hoped it would be much farer ahead. He needs more time with Steve. Just a little more...

There are three options. He’s written them down in the little notebook before him, trying find the right way to deal with this, staring at the words for an hour, like they’re gonna change if he blinks.

  1. ~~Tell Steve everything. Show him what you are.~~



Not an option. Bucky would rather die than see Steve’s reaction to his new body. He could probably take the disgusted looks and the disappointment after all but he can’t make Steve feel guilty about it, too. It wasn’t his choice. It was Bucky’s and he’s gonna have to deal with it alone. 

  1. Tell Steve the signal is corrupted. Make excuses why he can’t see or hear you. 



This is bad but doable. Steve would be suspicious as hell and so disappointed. Bucky can already see the hurt puppy look he’d have to face. He’d ruin Steve’s birthday. Again. It wouldn’t be worth the wait at all. If Steve is smart he won’t be there to chat with Bucky anyways next year. If there is a next year. Bucky hasn’t forgotten the mad titan’s warning. 

  1. Don’t connect the line at all.



This one would hurt like a bitch. Much more than the others. Bucky can barely think about it but it’s inevitable if he wants to keep Steve alive. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to live like this. He can’t be selfish anymore. That luxury is in the past. He doesn’t have anything left for Thanos and he can’t get the love of his life killed for a few minutes of hearing his voice. If he goes through with this though, cutting all ties to his old life, he won’t know if Thanos will keep his promise. He could ask for a picture. A glimpse at Steve’s face just once a year. No talking, no contact. It’s not unreasonable. Maybe he could earn it somehow. 

Bucky closes the notebook with a thud.  _Tick-tock._

There’s a knock at the door. 

He throws the book across the room on instinct. It slides right under his bed where it’s hidden from sight as he frantically pulls up a geographical star map of the sector, pretending to be studying the terrain. His heart is hammering in his chest. 

“Boss? You home?” 

That voice and the weird accent that comes with it is easy to identify. Bucky relaxes slightly. 

“Jesus... Yeah. Come in.” 

Korg sticks his oversized rubble-head inside. His tall figure is as impressive as ever. 

Bucky can't help a guarded smile. 

Korg is a Kronan mercenary who used to fight as a slave gladiator on Sakaar until Banner and the Asgardian princes saved him from the pit. Apparently, it was a ‘liberation by mistake’ or something but it changed Korg’s entire life around. During his mandatory interview with the Executioner he opened up more than Bucky had anticipated, crying about his dead brother like a child. The one he had to kill to survive the arena. Almost being the killer of a loved one and a long-time prisoner against his will himself, Bucky could relate to that more than he liked to admit.

They became something like friends after that in short time. Korg has a heart of gold and he’s reliable, a skilled fighter who has worked for the Asgardians before. His knowledge made the job much easier to handle right away. Seeing him happy with the freedom here makes Bucky wish he could enjoy it, too. 

“You in here thinking about yo’ man? Need some privacy to...” Korg makes an aborted jerk-off motion with his hand. 

Bucky raises an eyebrow at him. 

He hasn’t needed privacy for that in a long time. It’s impossible to get off when he has to look at the purple arm or the legs. It’s even more impossible when the creepy eye gives him unwanted feedback about his sexual response. The happy stone colossus doesn’t need to know that though. 

“What does a rock know about getting off, huh?”

Korg laughs. “More’n your sorry lot apparently. Want me to show you how us rocks do it?”

He wiggles his inflexible basalt-brows and puckers his lips dramatically. The expression looks absolutely hysterical because his face is literally set in stone. 

Bucky mouth twitches but he doesn’t loose his cool. “You know what insubordination is, Korg?” 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t get technical with me, boss. I’m here on duty.” He waves his hand.

“What is it?” 

“The lady boss wants to talk.” 

“Any idea why?” 

“She didn’t say.” 

“Alright.” 

Bucky stands up with a clang. He winces. The material of the hard floor gives him this weird vibrating feedback sometimes when he’s not careful. 

“Korg?” 

He gets a mock salute in return. 

“Stay away from the notebook today, yeah? You can play some other time.” 

“Sure thing, boss. No worries.” 

Bucky can’t risk interference on a day like this. The 4th is coming up fast and he can't make a final decision while Korg hangs out in his room like a big baby with a gambling problem. His alien friend uses the notebook to play some online-game called “Galaxy Wars VII” that he’s weirdly addicted to. Apparently, it’s what ‘connects the races’ today... As far as Bucky knows it’s also what makes them chronically broke, so he wants nothing to do with it. 

They have an understanding. In return for the notebook, Korg keeps the tech up to date and helps Bucky with the voice emitters. He doesn’t know what they’re supposed to achieve and he never asks. Just keeps looking when Bucky tells him the last ones were a bust. 

“Good man.”

 

* * *

 

When Bucky arrives at the bridge, Hela tucks her arm into his like they're old friends. 

“I think you’ve earned a reward.” 

“A reward, ma’am?” 

It almost sounds like a threat. Bucky vocabulary has extended massively over the past few years but he’s pretty sure that the word ‘reward’ hasn’t come up in relation to his sorry ass lately. Not in any way he’d enjoy. 

There’s that phantom feeling of hair standing up on his upper arms again. 

“Yes, a reward. You remember those, don’t you?” 

Bucky gives her a strained shadow of a smile. “I do. I just— I didn’t get any rewards for a long time. My memory might be a little rusty.” 

“Steve Rogers. Tell me about him.” 

_Shit._

_She knows._

_Of course she fucking knows! Did you really think she wouldn’t?_

_You’re fucked. You’re so fucked you don’t even know how fucked you are— Oh, shut up!_

“I... I’m so sorry. Thanos doesn’t like it when I—”

“Thanos isn’t the one who’s asking you right now.” 

“I’m sorry. Of course, I—”

“You want to talk to him?” 

Bucky’s head snaps up. “To Steve? I'm not... allowed, ma’am.” 

“Says who?” 

“Thanos.”

“See, I didn’t tell you anything like that.” 

“Lady Hela, he said—”

“Babababa—” She holds one finger up to interrupt him. “I’m telling you to call him.” 

“You _want me_ to go against orders? Why?” 

“I have my reasons to defy the mad titan as much as you do.” 

“Really?”

She hums.

“So you’re saying I won’t be punished for it? Despite what he said? You won’t tell on me?”

_What is going on here? There’s no way she—_

“I swear it. By my warrior’s honor, you have my word.”

Bucky’s eyes must be round like saucers. Warriors honor is taken seriously on Asgard. Swearing on it is like a contract. An unbreakable oath. 

_This is a cruel joke. It must be._

“I... can’t.” 

“What do you mean you can’t? I allow it.” 

It’s so unfair. To dangle this opportunity in front of him now when he’s— when he’s not... Bucky has to swallow several times to collect himself. His eyes sting. 

“My lady, you don't understand. He doesn’t know."

"Know about what?"

"My body. He can’t know about it. What Thanos did to it.” 

He hates how frail his voice sounds. There’s static still hanging onto certain frequencies when he speaks loud enough that won’t ever let him forget how damaged he is. How...

She leans her head to the side. Contemplating his words and no doubt studying his irregular emotional reaction. 

MALFUNCTION. Bucky has to look away from her prying eyes. 

“That won’t be a problem. I’m a goddess. A miracle worker if your people can be believed.”

“With all due respect, ma’am, I'm not a big believer. Thanos said it can't be reversed and I know it can’t.”

"No, I can’t reverse it. For several reasons actually. But I can cloak you.” 

“Cloak me?”

“Yes. With a spell. An illusion if you will? Completely undetectable. I can give you your voice back with magic, too. For a short time.”

Bucky stares at her. Hope flares up hot in his chest like a fire that melts the miserable aching lump in his heart. It sounds like the perfect way out. It sounds... To good to be true. 

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but what do you want for it? There must be something you want.” 

“Loyalty.” 

“That’s it?” 

Bucky prepares for the worst. 

She shakes her head. “Think carefully. It’s not a small thing. Your absolute loyalty to me could be quite dangerous for you and those you love. If you accept I’ll tell you exactly what it entails.“ 

“But not in advance?” 

“No.”

_This is it. The moment it all goes to hell._ Bucky doesn’t find it in himself to act surprised. It’s not a sudden dawning realization. He’s seen it from a mile away. She’s been working up to this from the first moment she set a foot on the mad titan’s ship. He just didn’t want to acknowledge it sooner.

“These meetings... You want me to be loyal to you. _Only_  to you. You’re planning something to overthrow Thanos, am I right? You’ve been working on it for a long time.” 

The ballsy tone and the wide loony smile on his face are completely inappropriate but all his survival tactics seem to have gone right out of the window. 

The lady Death smiles eerily. “You’re too smart for your own good.” 

She comes closer slowly, like a cat stalking a mouse and lays a hand on his arm. There’s something in her eyes that should tell Bucky to back away and run but he doesn’t move an inch. 

“Accept my offer. Make the call. Then we’ll talk.” 

_After you have implicated yourself._

She doesn't need to say it. Bucky understands the conditions just fine. _  
_

He swallows hard. “What if I refuse?” 

The metal plates creak under the pressure of her grip. 

“I’ll erase your memory of this conversation and send you back to the mad titan. You’ll return to his service immediately. I won’t ask for you again.”

No! He can’t go back. Bucky shudders at the thought of seeing Thanos again but if this goes wrong, if her plain fails, if she looses against him... 

There’s no clever way to play both sides. He knows that. It’s time to make a choice. 

This is _it._

The voices in his head are screaming. 

_This is our one chance to see Steve again! You better fucking take it!_

_No! Don’t be stupid!_

_What are you waiting for?!_

_This is gonna get you both killed!_

_She practically said so! She said it!_

_Are you deaf, soldier?!_

“I accept.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait between chapters. Your support means the world to me and I'm still writing frequently. I swear. It's just completely out of order sometimes so some chapter are already halfway done while others still need a lot of work. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience and please let me know what you think about the updates. I might even write a sequel to Sacrifice if there are still readers for it. I already have a few ideas lined out. 
> 
> I have also started a second Steve/Bucky WIP called "Mirror, Mirror" that I'm working on, too. Please check it out after reading the warnings.


	9. To kill a titan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bucky blinks away tears that are threatening to fall any second. He’s not sure if the illusion could keep up with the robotic eye if only half of his face got wet. It probably won’t. He doesn’t want to find out.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers warning for this chapter concern self-hatred, body image issues and ableism. 
> 
> I’m very sorry it took me so long to continue with this chapter. I’ll try to be faster next time. 
> 
> I might still work on some minor changes to this chapter at a later point. I still kind of hate it. It was a pain in my ass. I hope someone’s still enjoying this fic. I have a sequel planned hence the series.

To face what looks like his old self again is quite the shock. Bucky keeps turning in front of the mirror, staring at himself. He tries to find any flaws or weaknesses in the disguise because it should be virtually impossible but there are none.

His reflection is a perfect imitation. It shows him exactly how he looked like before he was taken, when Steve had last seen him in person. Everything’s the same except for the purple arm. That one is the only part of his new body that he doesn’t have to hide. Bucky would give anything to forget the look on Steve’s face and that little hurt sound he’d made when he first held it into the camera though. Like someone had stabbed him in the gut...

He shakes himself. The person in front of Bucky stares back like the perfectly preserved memory that he faced in the Wakandan adaptation of Stark’s BARF device. They used it to get rid of his triggers and he hated every second of it. There was something deeply disturbing about looking his innocent younger self in the eye, knowing what was still to come. All that pain, and the humiliation, and the suffering of it all. Bucky can never be that pure again and his disguise is so unlike himself now that he gets chills just looking at it.

“Is this sufficient?” Hela sits on his bed, legs crossed and tapping on her thigh like she’s on a schedule. The whole thing seems to bore her already.

“It’s perfect, my lady. Thank you for this.”

“My pleasure,” she retorts drily. “Just remember that he can’t know about the plan. We can’t risk it.”

“Of course not. Can we do the rest now, please? It will be strange to speak with my own voice again but I have to admit... I kinda missed it.”

“You must have missed a lot of things.”

Bucky nods. He blinks against the sudden wetness in his ridiculously human looking eyes. His chest is constricting. “Yeah, I missed a lot.”

“There’s no need to worry, love. I’m sure he’ll be convinced.”

Bucky checks himself in the mirror once more and fixes his hair with shaking hands.

“Let’s hope so.”

 

* * *

 

“Stevie? Hi...”

His fake human voice breaks on the second word already. The intonation of it is as flawless as his looks. Pathetic. A real Barnes original like no emitter had managed to be so far.

“Hiya, Buck.” Steve gives him a broad smile. His sparkling blue eyes track Bucky’s face, drifting over every part of it like a gentle touch. He doesn’t seem to notice anything off about it.

That’s when it hits him. Steve is happy to see the man he loves. A man who’s simply not there anymore. Not really and Bucky’s putting him in danger for nothing. 

_But it’s working. You should be grateful._

The initial fear of being discovered subsides but it’s replaced by sudden pain, like a knive stabbing into his bleeding heart repeatedly, the sensation is washing over him along with grief and defeat.

Even if they win this revolution by some miracle - and that’s a big if - Steve and him are done. It’s over. Bucky can’t trap him in a relationship with this grotesk thing. A travesty of a person.

Steve waves at him blissfully ignorant of his turmoil. Bucky leans forward tentatively to study his face. The fine lines around his eyes and his mouth have barely deepened but his hair is shorter than the last time and Bucky can tell he’s aged another year just from the world-weary look in his eyes.

_They’ve lost so much time._

Bucky shields his eyes, careful not to touch the right side of his face that still looks normal to Steve. He can't see this monstrous transformation, the cold assessing weapon in his eye socket.

Bucky’s breath hitches. _Get it together._

“Come on now. Why are you crying already? I’ve barely said a word.”

Bucky can’t answer. He keeps his eyes shut firmly, taking deep breaths and counting them, trying to calm himself down.

Steve scratches his neck selfconsciously. “It’s not the hair, is it? Wanda said it’s fashionable.”

“No, no. God no. Sorry, I’m just— I’m so happy to just— talk to you again is all. It’s... You have no idea.”

_And you never will if I can help it._

“Good. I’m happy, too,” Steve says. “I missed you so much.”

“Missed you, too. Happy birthday.”

“Thank you, Buck. You look beautiful.”

_If you knew..._

Bucky blinks away tears that are threatening to fall any second. He’s not sure if the illusion will keep up with the robotic eye if only half of his face gets wet. It probably won’t. He doesn’t want to find out.

He takes a view deep breaths and only takes the hand away when he’s got himself under control enough to speak and keep up the pretense. He looks at the screen again.

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

Steve laughs. “Still a charmer.”

Bucky can’t help but smile back at him.

“What can I say? I’m a natural, baby.”

“That you are. How is it going up there?”

“Good. There’s been some... Development. I’m not on Thanos’s ship at the moment, so there’s your change of scenery. I’m working for a friend of his.”

Steve raises an eyebrow incredulous. “He’s got friends?”

“Right? That’s what I thought, but yeah. I’m not on his ship anymore. Not right now at least.”

Steve leans closer to the microphone and wrings his hands nervously. Like he's afraid to ask. He lowers his voice. “Do you think... If I was coming to get you... Do you think—”

Bucky shakes his head. “No. We’re not gonna make it. Security is everywhere. Thanos would hear about it. You know he would—”

Steve pushes away from the screen with an angry jolt. The chair creaks with the force of it. He crosses his hands behind his head and looks furious for a second, eyes going small and nostrils flaring but in the end they’re both experts at compartmentalization. Bucky watches him as he clenches his jaw and swallows it all down like bile.

The saddest part of it all is that he’s lying to Steve’s face. Bucky is the fucking head of security and the parameter checks are a joke. If he still had his legs and everything... They could at least try to escape before it all burns up in flames. He feels like an asshole.

“—but I’ve got more time now. We can talk for as long as you want. There’s no rush this time. Please, I promise, Stevie, ok? Please?”

“Alright.” Steve looks up to the ceiling in his trademark ‘lord give me strength’ kind of way. He sounds tired now. Disappointed. “It’s your call.” 

It’s not fair to either of them really. If Bucky had this opportunity before the amputations, he would have taken it. No question. There’s not enough man power to hold him on Hela’s ship and she’s got more pressing concerns on her mind than keeping him contained. They might have a chance to make it for a while but Bucky’s too much of a coward. He won’t survive Steve’s rejection. He can’t lead his love into a horrible death for the ruined thing he is now. He won’t. Not without a plan and he can’t play both of his captors.

“I’m sorry, Stevie. I really am.”

“You said that.”

Steve looks at him with a blank expression. “The new job is going well for you and you don’t wanna mess it up. Don’t worry. I get it.”

_No you don’t._

They remain silent for a while. Bucky fixes his gaze on the hands in his lap, where they rest on two seemingly perfect human legs.

Passive aggression is an art form to Steve, it always was, so Bucky startles when he speaks up sooner than expected.

“They don’t... Hurt you, do they?” Steve asks, his voice timid, brows suddenly furrowed in concern. “Thanos and the others or whoever you’re working for now?”

“What? No. No one hurts me.”

~~_Liar. You’re a goddamn li..._ ~~

“Good. That’s good. I thought—”

“No, nothing like that,” Bucky interrupts and tries for a convincing smile to the camera. “I just don’t wanna talk about the job. How is Earth? Any news?”

“There’s... Not much to tell. It’s boring without you.”

“Yeah. I bet. Tell me anyways.”

 

* * *

 

“So..." Hela links arms with him when Bucky finally gets back. She steers him down the halls for a bit. He’s still in his fake body. Everything feels a little surreal.  
  
"It seems we’re in this together now. Tell me about him, sweetie,” she asks conversationally. “Captain America? Is he really your greatest love?”

“He’s not.” Bucky manages a half-smile back at her.

“What, your greatest love?” She seems perplexed and a little worried maybe. Thanos must have told her that Steve is the sole reason he’s here. Her plan to involve him in her schemes depends on it.

“No, ma’am. Captain America. Not anymore at least. I’ve always loved Steve Rogers though.”

“Huh. Must be one hell of a man.”

“That he is.”

 

* * *

 

“What about the others? His children?”

Hela is still fishing for information three and a half hours later. Bucky is getting tired, exhausted from the conversation with Steve and the crushing body dysphoria after the illusion has faded to nothing and he’s a cyborg again. Still, he does his best to be useful, to show her how grateful he is for this opportunity.

“They’re not his children. Not really. People just call them that.”

“I was wondering about this. I know he’s taken two of them as his lovers.”

“Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive, yes.”

“You see, us Asguardians, we don’t care about these things as much as humans do but I like to know who else is on the playing field.”

 _So we can murder them._ It’s implied.

“May I ask you a question, my lady?”

“I don’t see why not.” Hela gestures for him to continue.

“Why pick me?”

“I wondered when you were going to ask.” She smiles maliciously. “Well... On Asgard, we believe that every great ruler needs a right hand. Someone to execute their masters will, give valuable council and protect the throne in their absence. I was that trusted hand to Odin once. Do you know what he called me?”

“No. What did he call you?”

“His executioner.”

Bucky shivers.

She smirks at him, then her face takes on a grimmer expression. “Odin was afraid of my ambitions. I wanted to conquer all of the realms, command every army there is in the universe and beyond but he just wanted...”

She stops to snort disdainfully. “ _Peace._ So he locked me up. It was unpleasant to live in exile for so long, I’m not going to lie, but I always knew I was destined for greater things and with my father’s death... You see, Asgard may be gone, but I’m still powerful and ready to take what’s mine. I heard stories about your skills in battle, your ruthlessness. You seemed a worthy candidate for a right hand but when I learned what Thanos called you, I knew it was fate.”

Bucky nods. He doesn’t share her sentiments about fate and the beauty of world domination but he can see why she would pick him over the other members of the Order. He knows that it’s for different reasons than his nick name and she wants him to make her admit it. It’s all a game.

“I see. That’s not all there is to it though, is it?”

“No. No it’s not. I also knew that you’re properly motivated to get your revenge and break free from his tyranny. The lust for power should not be underestimated but true love... Well, I knew you would never betray me. Not if I can give you what your heart desires and he won’t.”

“Right...” There’s no use denying it but Bucky hates to be so transparent. Showing your hand too early is foolish but everyone with half a brain could see that he’d do anything for Steve by now and she’s smarter than most people.

Hela sighs. “The question is... Where do we lure him to get it done? We’re gonna need a natural energy source. One that doesn’t come from the stones.”

“We could go to Knowhere if you don’t mind the casualties. I haven’t seen it myself but I hear it’s build on a celestial skull and there’s radioactive fog there that keeps the atmosphere contained. No sun apparently but they’ve got thirteen moons that light the place up like crazy. It’s supposed to be quite the sight. That’s a lot of energy we could—”

“That’s it!”

She snaps her fingers and looks at him expectantly. “The sun.”

“Maybe you misunderstood. I said they don’t have—”

Hela holds up her hand and makes a impatient gesture at him, waiting for him to catch up.

“Wait. You mean... The one from Earth?”

She nods excitedly. Bucky blinks several times, incredulous.

 _These gods and their schemes..._  
_Has she forgotten I’m the only human around here?_

“I know this must be kind of a let down for you but ma’am, if you wanna fight him on the sun, I’m gonna have to pass.”

Hela rolls her eyes and shakes her head at him like she’s pitying his mediocre intelligence.

“No, dummy. Earth! It’s close enough to the sun and it has other elements we can draw from as well.”

“Ok...” Bucky swallows hard. “So, what’s the plan?”

“Simple. I say I want to visit Earth, see what the fuzz is about. I ask him to show me around, he falls for it like the lovesick idiot he is and then, I’ll use my magic to trap his mind in the soul stone. If that works, well... Once his body is completely defenseless, you will be the one to rip out his heart. It’ll be poetic.”

“Poetic maybe, but he’ll never let me come with you.”

“Oh, he will if I ask him nicely. Men are stupid like that. I need you for my protection.” She winks at him.

Bucky stares back at her. The plan is reasonable enough. He remembers a lot of losing battles he fought and came out on top of. He doesn’t like the odds of this one but it really is poetic. One last uprising where it all began.

If the plan fails though, there will be no coming back from that. They’ll both be dead or worse, but maybe, just maybe, the voice in his head supplies, he’ll see Steve again before the end. One last time to make it all worth it somehow.

“What if I don’t wanna risk it? Steve’s there. My friends are there. If we fail—”

Hela’s eyes harden. “That’s too bad. Either you’re in or you’re out.”

He doesn’t have a vote here. She’s not gonna budge.

“I’m in. Thanos can’t know what we’re planning until it’s too late though. If it doesn’t work, if he finds out about you, we’re both fucked. You don’t know him like I do. You have no idea what he can do to you.”

Hela smiles at him darkly and claps Bucky on the shoulder, right where his scars are. Her nails bore into his tender flesh like claws.

“Let’s outvillain the villain then.”


	10. Remember the Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The dreams have become more frequent lately. It’s like the relative safety on Hela’s ship has given him too much time to think about the past again. When Thanos doesn’t torture him, he’s doing it to himself."
> 
> Falling of a train in the Alps wasn't the worse thing that's ever happened to Bucky Barnes. Not even close...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warning for abuse, sexual assault, body horror, hypothermia, flashbacks, struggling with disassociation and puking.  
> You can skip this chapter if you’re not comfortable with the content. You can also read a short summary or look for further information in the notes below. I’ve decided to put the next plot relevant advancement in a different chapter so you can skip it without missing out too much. I originally wanted to take a strict Infinity War break but I felt silly waiting to publish this part when it's been written for a while. I hope I didn’t cheat any readers out of the plot because I ramped up the non con part. I’ll try to stay conscious of potential triggers.

The cold is stinging his flesh like needles piercing an oversized voodoo doll. The pain is everywhere and Bucky can’t see. His world has become an ocean of red, and white, and _hurt_ behind his eyelids. Everything sways and spins upside down. It’s nauseating.

There’s an sudden bump as his head grinds over something hard and sharp. He gasps, sucking ice-cold air into his lungs. It rattles in the back of his throat.

Bucky tries to open his eyes, blinking sluggishly against the blinding brightness. The sky’s white, the ground is... His arm is— _That can’t be right._

Someone is pulling him through the snow.

“...ass is gonna be frozen anyways. It’ll be like sticking your thing in a freezer.”

“Doesn’t the arm turn you off at all? Come on. I can see the bone from here...”

Bucky doesn’t understand. He tries to speak, to ask for something but he can’t remember the words. His head hurts too much to think. He can’t _think_.

God, he’s thirsty.

“Look at him. That guy’s half dead.”

“Don’t judge me, man. You don’t know what I like.”

There’s laughter. _Who’s laughing? What is this?_

“...a freak, you know that. When they find out—”

“Wa—ter...” Bucky’s tongue is stuck to his palate. It tastes like rubber in his mouth. “Plea...ssse... Water...”

“Did you hear that? I think... he wants... in his mouth...”

“Where’s... Ugh.” _Focus. They need to tell him..._ “Steve... Where—“

Someone yanks his head up by his hair and Bucky cries out sharply at the rough treatment, blinking frantically, unable to make out any shapes at first. His frost-crusted eyes are stinging, unfocused, struggling to get used to the light.

Three men are surrounding him. They’re military. Russian uniforms. Heavily armed. Two guns pointed right at him.

“Who’s Steve? Your boyfriend?” The tall one who’s holding him upright laughs.

_— What?_

“I don’t... What are you— I’m... American. US Army— See?” Bucky rasps, gesturing towards the insignia on his jacket with his right hand. The shaking fingers have a weird blu-ish tone to them and won’t bend at all. “American. Please...”

The sinister smile is getting uncomfortable close now. Bucky doesn’t have the strength to pull away. He can feel his conscience slipping again. The warm breath on his face feels strangely comforting, encouraging him to close his eyes momentarily. Just for a little while...

_Don’t fall asleep!_

_If you fall asleep now, you’ll never awake up again!_

The guy lets go of his hair without warning and gives him a mean shove. Bucky falls to the ground sideways, face first into the aching cold.

He whimpers miserably. The mangled arm on the left burns like it’s _on fire_ , a sharp contrast to the rest of his useless frozen body.

They laugh again.

“Sergeant— James.” Bucky coughs and tries again. Tears are streaming down his face freely, leaving tracks where they melt the frost on his cheeks. “Sergeant James... Buchanan Barnes. 32557...038.”

They come closer now, cornering him from all sides like a pack of wolves ready to go in for the kill. Bucky is trapped, a wounded animal in their midst.

 _Be brave,_ he tells himself. _Steve will come for you soon. It can’t get any worse than last time. This isn't Hydra..._  
  
— Oh, but it’s already worse, _isn't it?_ The voice in his head supplies in a heinous whisper. _Last time you fought them with two good arms._

One of the guys crouches down to his level and distracts Bucky from his spiraling thoughts.  
  
The face in front of him is colored in dark purple all of a sudden and Bucky realizes with a growing panic that the grotesque alien body towering over him has become so much bigger than before.

“Don’t you worry, soldier,” Thanos jeers, sizing him up with an evil glint in his eyes and reaching for his belt.

 _— NO! STOP! STOP!_  
_DON'T!_  
_THIS ISN‘T REAL —_

“We’ll take such good care of you...”  
  
**“NO!!!!!!!”**

 _—_ Bucky wakes up with a scream.

He makes a fist and bits into his knuckles right away to stop himself from making those horrible high-pitched animal noises that seem to come from deep within his chest and will wake up the whole crew.

His breath is coming too fast, whole body soaked in sweat and trembling like a leaf. He can still feel the cold and their _hands_ on his body and... He’s gonna throw up.

Bucky stumbles out of bed, lets himself fall to the floor, and pukes right into the trash can. He stays hunched over it retching convulsively until there’s nothing left. Then he’s dry heaving some more.

The dreams have become more frequent lately. It’s like the relative safety on Hela’s ship has given him too much time to think about the past again. When Thanos doesn’t torture him, he’s doing it to himself.

“Fuck...”  
  
Bucky touches the dog tags on his chest and holds them in his hand, passing over the numbs on the chain like a rosary.

“It’s over. You’re ok now. You’re safe. You’re alright. They’re dead. They can’t hurt you anymore. It was all in your head. Deep breaths. Come on now. Everything’s alright...”

“Boss? Hey, boss?” Korg knocks on his door. He lives right next to Bucky and the walls are thin.

“Can I come in?”

“Go... away. Please, just...”

Korg enters regardless of Bucky's objections, seemingly unbothered by his state and the smell.

“Where I’m from there’s a rule: Friends don’t let friends puke alone. Besides, I gotta hold your hair and shit. My people might not have the equipment themselves but we ain’t savages.”

Korg settles on the floor besides him. Carefully, he pushes some strands out of Bucky’s pale face to pin them behind his ears with a rubble finger, lightly scratching the skin.

“Gotta stop you from getting it all over.”

Bucky shivers but doesn’t protest the touch. He feels too weak to do much of anything except hold the trash can in a death grip and shake himself apart.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Hate to tell ya, but you got that PTSD thing, mate. It’s all very out there.”

“You think?”

“I’m no expert or nothin’ but you’re pretty clear.”

Bucky rolls his eyes weakly, not quite mustering the energy to sass back yet.

Korg sighs. “I had a friend once. In the arena. Handsome fella. The grandmaster was very interested in that one. Said he had potential, didn’t say for what...” He pauses, darting a compassionate sideways glance at Bucky with knowing eyes. “Poor guy had the same kind of dreams that you’re having, talkin’ in his sleep sometimes, too.”

Bucky stays silent for a long time, trying hard not to throw up again in company. Ever since the surgery that permanently installed the voice emitter in his throat, his gag reflex has been quite trigger happy and it’s almost impossible not to focus on the bad taste in his mouth.

When the urge has finally passed, he unclenches his fingers from the trash can where they’ve left deep imprints and wipes his mouth.

“Something _happened_ to me back home. Something... bad. I can’t get over it. Sometimes, I think I’m done with it all and the next day I’m right back where I started. I dream about it all the time, and when I do, I make up even more shit to go with the memories. Like I need to spice it up. I swear, I want to get better but I don’t. I just— don’t. It’s fucking frustrating is what it is.”

He hugs his body with cold metal arms. Steve used to hate his dreams. He’d wake him up in the middle of the night, distressed about the sounds, holding him tight against his chest pretending not to cry himself when he didn't know the half of— _No._ Bucky cuts himself off. Thinking about that won‘t help him now.

Korg gives him a friendly pat on the back that thankfully doesn’t make him want to jump right out of his skin. “You see, I figured since we’re going back to Earth soon, I could kick their asses for you. You know, pay a visit, smash some heads.”

“Nah, thanks but they’re all dead anyways. It happened a long time ago. Or most of it did. I’m just kind of _reliving_ the past— creatively.”

“Hm... I see. Too bad. I could have done some impressive smashing. I watched the mighty Hulk fight. Picked up some tricks.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Bucky lets his shoulders slump and sighs, purposely relaxing his tense muscles.

Korg gestures at the trash can. “Want me to clean that up for you, boss?”

“No, you don’t have to do that. Sorry to wake you, man. Just wait a sec...” Bucky regards him suspiciously. “What do you know about going to Earth anyways?”

“Nothing much. Just that we’re supposed to wait up here. Wait for a signal.”

“OK... Anything else I should know about?”

“Don't worry. Briefing wasn’t much to go on but I know when something smells. Besides all the puke, you know?” Korg laughs warmly.

Bucky tries to give him a smile. He doesn’t want to imagine what Thanos could do to the gentle giant if they failed to complete the task.

“Do me a favor, yeah? Make sure the crew’s ready to leave at a moments notice.”

“Not a problem, boss.”

“Good. I can’t tell you what’s going on but please, don’t play the hero or nothing. You’re a good guy, Korg.”

“You, too, boss. Are you excited to see your man yet?”

Bucky really does smile at that although it hurts to think about Steve living on without him. There’s no way around it. Doctor Strange has been dead for years and Hela can’t control the time stone enough to turn him into a real boy again. He’s asked her to try, and she said she would, but it will never work out. Saving everyone and taking off without ever being seen is the best outcome. Everything else is too great a risk.

“There’s a good chance I won’t get to see him at all. Better not to get my hopes up, you know?”

“That’s smart, I guess, but you never know what the future may hold. I’d love to meet him one day, your Captain.”

“I hope you will.” Bucky sighs. “I really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More notes about the sexual assault/rape in this and the following chapters:  
> The rape itself is never explicitly shown in full but proceed with caution. I’ll come back to this specific scene and what came after it later in the story. Bucky has been raped several times beginning with the scene in this chapter after his fall from the train. Steve doesn't know about any rapes prior to his ultimate Winter Soldier conditioning. I know I said I'd keep it light but I realized hinting at it wouldn’t help to understand Steve and Bucky’s dynamic and Bucky’s motivation. 
> 
> Short summary about the referenced rape and physical abuse in the chapter:  
> The chapter starts with Bucky having a nightmare that's a memory of the day he fell of the train. Bucky isn't aware that he's dreaming at first. He's hypothermic and hurt and his arm is missing. When he comes to, he's being pulled through the snow. He slips in and out of consciousness as he's being taunted by three Russian soldiers who talk about raping him. Two of them say that the injuries and Bucky being cold turn them off while the third jokes that they don't know his preferences. Bucky asks them for water. They ignore him and make a sexual joke about Bucky wanting "something in his mouth". They hold him at gun point. Bucky says he's an American and asks where Steve is. He’s disoriented and weak from the cold. The soldiers ask if Steve is his boyfriend and laugh at him. One guy pulls him up by the hair. Bucky momentarily enjoys the guys' breath hitting his face because it's warm. Then he lets him fall into the snow on the hurt arm again. Bucky cries and recites his serial number. One of the guys suddenly turns into Thanos and tells Bucky they'll "take good care of him" as he removes his belt and is about to rape him. Bucky wakes up screaming and pukes. He tries to ground himself, using the dog tags like a rosary, telling himself that he's save. Korg comforts him while he shakes and tries to get his gag reflex under control that's more sensitive since the voice emitter has been surgically installed in his throat. Korg hints that he knew a guy that was sexually abused by the Grandmaster and that he knows about the content of Bucky's nightmares. Bucky says he has them often and feels like he never really gets better, remembering that Steve struggled with it, too. Korg cheers him up eventually.
> 
> Author's notes: I'm not sure this becomes clear while reading the chapter but the rapists in Bucky's memory were speaking Russian at the time and Bucky's couldn't understand a thing. He only learned what they said after he was forced to learn Russian in captivity. That's why he tells them he's an American repeatedly. He believes they want to identify him to inform his command and assumes they do not realize that he doesn't understand them. He gets scared of being tortured after they let him fall into the snow and laugh about it but he doesn't realize what they're planning yet. Just wanted to add that in case it seems weird that Bucky doesn't really react to their conversation and the looming threat of rape before they undress him.


	11. The wrong alternative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you had to chose, between saving me and saving the world... I mean, if you really had to—”
> 
> “What?” Bucky is still awake beside him, as Steve knew he would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. I fucked over the tenses in this so hard. I’ll never attempt to write a fic in present tense ever again. Promise. This is a disaster. I’m in desperate need for a beta. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for more less graphic descriptions of death all around, mentions of the death of childen, allusions to animal death, vigilantism, physical and verbal abuse, character death, death from an infection, thinking of straight couples as “normal”, allusions to frequent nightmares, crying. 
> 
> I hope you’re not tired of the flashbacks yet. There’s still so much I wanted to explore that might have to wait for the sequel.

_Earth. Capital of Wakanda. 4 years ago. 36 hours after the massacre._

Steve doesn’t consider himself a violent person per se but hearing Steven Strange go _on_ and _on_ about how the death of T’challa and his people is only a “small price to pay all things considered” makes him want to punch the guy in the face.

So he does. No hesitation.

“What’s wrong with you, man?!” Steve screams, fists shaking, his whole body twisted in rage over Stranges’ hunched figure on the ground. “We could have warned them! Jesus Christ— You knew exactly what was gonna happen, didn’t you?!”

Strange doesn’t answer at first, avoiding his piercing glare. He uses the ends of his cloak to dab at the mixture of blood and spit that runs from his mouth. Then he looks up at Steve with a chillingly indifferent expression. “I did.”

“How can you even live with yourself?! Huh?!” Steve bellows. “There were children here! Children! All you did is stand by and watch!”

When he takes an angry step back and looks to the others, it seems that no one in the bombed-out Council hall has moved to object. There’s no empathy for the doctor in the Avengers’ eyes, only judgement and an awkward silence that speaks to Steve’s uncharacteristic loss of control. No one tries to defend Strange’s course of action, or attempts to hold Steve back in any way, not even Bucky.

 _Especially_ not Bucky, who has seemed too numb with shock and heartbreak to act as his boyfriend’s impulse control ever since they set foot on the devastated wasteland...

Wakanda had been a place of peace and healing for the both of them. A second home. It isn’t anymore. It can’t be. When they arrived at the palace, strolling past the chaos and crowds of terrified people on the run, it was imminent that the very foundation of T’challas kingdom had crumbled.

They should never have left to join forces with Tony’s half of the team, his 'legal' Avengers. Steve had known it in his heart the second the quinjet took off the ground, but he’d ignored all of his instincts, and now this.

If he hadn’t, maybe they could have done something, anything to help them fight.

Sadly, it’s too late for speculation now. They made the wrong move and it’s all on Steve and one heartless doctor who’d decided to play god. Most of all, Steve is angry at himself.

Everything they loved about the place is tainted now. The walls look carbon black with soot, and the stench outside remains sickening. Coppery blood has gathered high in the drainage, watering the fields and spoiling what remains of the few burned crops.

The sight of it hurts something aweful. Bucky had shown Steve how to plant seeds and care for the livestock just a few months ago. He had been so proud of the things they’d learned together, things they could do with their hands that weren’t connected to violence in any way, things that brought life and pleasure instead of death and pain.

They had been so full of hope and easy smiles for the future. The possibility of living together honestly, like a real couple, finally at peace, their trust and desire all out in the open for everyone to see had warmed their frozen cores. They had even dreamt of finding a permanent place of their own here, well protected under T’challa’s dome. A real home outside of civilization‘s endless demands for justice and the burden of the shield they no longer possessed.

 _Maybe_ , Steve thinks to himself, _we are cursed after all._

The violent outburst and verbal abuse of Strange feel immensely satisfying for a minute or two until the petty satisfaction fades to nothing and the doctor sets his own nose without so much as a peep. Steve can’t shake the feeling that he had anticipated the punch long before it happened, and yet, had done nothing to defend himself.

 _That’s cuz he knows that he deserves it,_ Steve hopes and turns to leave the room without so much as a flicker of remorse. He simply isn’t in the mood for gentleness and apologies. Not yet anyways.

 

* * *

 

“You could have killed him, you know?” Bucky whispers when he finds him later, trying to sort Steve out. He doesn’t sound angry, just broken and resigned, like the stench of death around them has drained him of all hope. His eyes eyes are hollow and red-rimmed from crying.

Steve has never seen him shed a single tear in front of the others before, not even Sam, but these are unusual circumstances. Maybe Bucky doesn’t care if he looks weak for once. If it wasn’t so painful and absurd, Steve would be tempted to call it progress.

“I was right there. You looked like you wanted to kill him, and I would have let you do it. With your bare hands if you wanted. Just like old times.”

_...The broken body of a child..._

_....A Hydra soldier on the ground begging for mercy..._

_...Steve’s hands bloody and bruised..._

Steve shivers at the thought. “That was war. Things were different back then.”

“Not _that_ different. You’re a superhuman, Steve. That punch could have knocked him out for good. If it had landed any different, he would be brain-damaged to hell right now. You really want that on your conscience?” 

It’s weird. The surgery performed by Shuri’s trusted hands had taken the chronic pain from Bucky’s side by making the weight more manageable, but when Steve looks at him now, he notices that Bucky stands as lopsided as he was before, bowed to the left where the metal arm is, like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his left shoulder. 

“Course not.”

Bucky gives him a curt nod in return. “Good. Then we gotta try harder. Be better than this...” He swollows hard and turns away from Steve. “It’s what T’challa would have wanted. And besides, we need all the help we can get.” 

 

* * *

 

“Time isn’t linear, my friend,” Strange tells Steve when they sit down together later, after the fires of the royal wake have burned down.

He says that his gift to control time is a curse rather than a blessing. Like the serum, the doctor posesses a power that both gives and takes more than he could have anticipated, more than he ever wanted for himself.

With a clearer head, it is much easier to listen to reason and to acknowledge that Strange is a fighter in humanity’s defense, like the rest of them. They’re soldiers on the same side. That’s all that matters in the end. 

The doctor claims that he did what he had to, presented with a series of horrible choices. Steve already knew that he went back in time over and over again, living countless lives to save them all from Thanos and his Order, always failing but trying to reverse the outcome.

Still, learning about the details is something else entirely. Steve wonders how the man is still standing upright.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hit you like that, I had no right.” Steve gestures to Strange’s swollen face. “I just— Bucky and I, we’ve never had a home in the future and when you said—”

“I understand, Captain. Believe me, sometimes I want to punch myself in the face, too. It happens.”

There is an understanding between them after that. Strange explains some of the complicated time travel mechanics in terms that Steve can understand. He even shares a few horrible visions of their deaths which he had seen in alternative futures until Steve has to put his foot down. He doesn’t need to know it all to believe that what they have now is better, and so he stops asking altogether. 

It’s too painful anyways. Steve vows never to tell Bucky that the doctor saw him disintegrate right in front him, and that he refused to part with his ashes. Bucky will never have to remember the time Thanos broke Steve’s hands and made him watch as the stones turned his lover inside out. Steve is grateful for that. The knowledge is enough for one of them to bear.

He understands now, why Strange made his choice, believes that he felt genuinely sorry about the losses in Wakanda, while knowing that the reality they are living in is still the best possible outcome for humanity as a whole. Considering everything they lost in their alternate lives, he simply did the math.

 

* * *

 

“If you had to chose, between saving me and saving the world... I mean, if you really had to—”

“What?” Bucky is still awake beside him, as Steve knew he would be.

Sleep doesn’t come easy for either of them. It’s too quiet inside. They’re used to the sublime sounds of the Wakandan forest and the content (sometimes irritating) bleating of Bucky’s pet-goats nearby.

They’re back at Avengers compound now, preparing for the second attack of Thanos’ alien army that will surely come. Humanity’s last stand. The time for peaceful surrender has long passed. Thanos made that _very_ clear. 

For Steve, it’s nice to be with the team again - no taking sides, no hiding - but the Compound’s unnatural silence prevents them from forgetting the recent horrors they’ve faced. In here, the nightmares take hold of them quickly and without mercy. They've never quite learned how to deal with them.

Steve turns around to face Bucky in the dark. “Let’s say you controlled the time, like Strange does, and there was a version of events where we could save a lot of people, but I’d have to die for that to happen. What would you do?”

Bucky's gaze travels up to the ceiling. He swallows audibly, twisting his unruly dark hair with his fingers, delaying the answer for as long as possible before he whispers, “That’s dark, Steve. That’s real fucking dark even for you.”

“No, I know that. I know, believe me but I’m serious, Buck. What would you do?”

Bucky eyes find Steve’s again but his hands remain clasped behind his head, body held open in a seemingly relaxed posture. He watches Steve, breathes in and out slowly, deliberately, like he’s trying to summon some inner calm. It’s the practiced control of the sniper, aligning his shot against the wind. _In_ and _out_. _In_ and _out_... Steve tracks the rise and fall of his naked chest with a hand on top of his sternum.

“You already know the answer to that.”

Steve nods. “Yeah...” He props himself up on one arm and leans over. When he's halfway on top of Bucky, he presses a kiss to the soft unblemished skin on his lover’s shoulder. “Me, too.”

“So, why would you even ask that? Did he—” Bucky pushes Steve out of the way and sits straight. “Nothing like that’s gonna happen, right? You’d tell me. I know you would...” He swats away Steve’s hand resting in his lap, too, and stares at him with heated eyes, anger masking his terror. “Right? Steve?”

Steve shakes his head, frowning. “He was so... Weird, when I asked him about us in this timeline. He said he can’t tell me anything or it would upset the ‘space-time continuum’ or whatever. I’m not sure what that even means.”

Bucky sighs. “I guess.... If we make it, then he already knows that, and if we don’t, then...”

“Then we don’t. Yeah...” Steve lets himself fall back on the sheets. “Shit.”

“You know what?” Bucky takes his hand again and holds it over his heart like a promise. “I’ll make it if you make it.”

“Till the end of the line, right?” Steve asks.

“End of the fucking line.”

 

* * *

 

The anger comes back long after Strange has died from an old wound. It remains unclear how a powerful wizard, a man with such extensive medial knowledge, could succumb to an infection like that, but Steve knows that there is much more to it than science. Steven Strange used up his body and his mind, living through more lives and deaths than a man could take in a lifetime. That was the price he paid for them.

As it turns out, every time someone comes all the way back from the future, where they helplessly witnessed their own death in maddening variety, they can feel its cold hard grip trying to pin them down and keep them for good. A horrible feeling. It must be. Steve almost wants to curse himself for his temper back in the day.

 _Almost._ Of course, the good doctor had failed to tell Steve that this “best outcome for humanity” meant that Bucky would lose himself and everything they’d ever fought for.

Otherwise, Steve never would have agreed to this.

_Never._

 

* * *

 

Steve starts when he wakes up to the ominous crackle of the radio.

It’s 4:52 a.m. sharp.

“This is Alpha, calling all decks” a low-pitched alien voice announces.

The words echo strangely in Steve’s loft apartment. ‘Open floor plan’ the real estate agent had called it. Steve calls it a warehouse with a bed.

He is certain that the speaker is a new crew member long before the A.I. fails to identify the vocal signature and confirms his suspicion. Steve knows everyone up there.

“We’re ready to advance on Terran territory,” the new alien commander continues. “Prepare for long range jump in 15.”

Steve springs out of bed, almost tangling himself in the sheets and falling on his face.

The frequency he broadcasts is attuned to the communications channel of the mad titan’s ship. Steve first managed to hack into their commando central on the bridge 2 years ago, remaining completely undetected. He’s been tracking their movement tirelessly ever since, hoping the information he is gathering will be worth the risk one day. 

Steve pulls up the map of target coordinates that are displayed on the holo wall, staring at the graphics with a mixture of euphoric joy and bottomless dread.

_Thanos is coming._

And his target is _New York._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Infinity War I’m not so sure anymore that this is the dystopian AU I thought it would be. Thanos is still weirdly in character I think and I’m not sure what’s worse. This or canon? What do you think?


	12. Ready, aim, fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Failure is not an option. 
> 
> ”You’re coming with me, Buck,” Steve thinks to himself. “If you want to or not. End of the fucking line.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind your triggers. I have put a list of possible triggers I could think of and a short sumary about what happens below so you can check if it's safe for you. 
> 
> This story is still on temporary hiatus due to some health issues I had to take care of but I’m mostly recovered now. Expect new chapters soon.

_This is it, Buck,_ Steve thinks. _This is it._

The electric razor buzzes to life. Long strands of golden-blond hair fall into the sink and get washed down the drain. 

Steve’s last visit to the hair dresser had been a group outing with Pepper, Wanda, and her new friends just before his birthday. He’d indulged their every whim. They handled the instructions and the required chit chat for him.

Steve had no desire for it. What was the point of a 60 Dollar haircut if Bucky wasn’t there to joke about the inflation and the ridiculous cost of modern hair products with him? He wasn’t ‘depressed’ as Sam used to say. Living was just so fucking dull. His remaining friends were trying so hard for his sake to make it bearable, to lure Steve from his shell once in a while, so in the end, he went with despite his moods.

He even laughed at the right time when Wanda insisted that he should look more “his age” and “less like a fossil”.

Steve didn’t say he felt like 90. Instead, he bit his tonge until he tasted blood...

Cutting everything short enough to shave now, feels like a goodbye to the man he once was. The one he will have to become in order to get Bucky back doesn’t have time for vanity - or a conscience.

His plan is putting people in danger already and it’s only gonna get worse. When it comes down to it, Steve is going to gamble with every human life he’s ever saved. If he suceeds and gets away with Bucky, Thanos is going to take his revenge out on the entire planet they leave behind.

He might have killed his friends himself just as well...

Steve shakes himself. It’s too late now. No matter the cost, there’s no sacrifice he’s unwilling to make. Steve thinks that he understands Strange better than ever now. This is what it feels like to trade lives.

Bucky will never forgive him, but they’ll cross that bridge when they come to it. _If_ they come to it. The decision is still final and there’s no going back.

Steve steps out of his pajama pants and rips open the closet doors to put on his new tactical uniform. It’s black. Nondescript. No stars and strips on this thing. No flags, no medals. No Captain America. Nothing to identify them on the run.

There is little time left to get the remodeled Nova Corp fighter in the air if he wants to make it on time, but Steve has had years and years of endless boredom and simmering anger as his only company to prepare for this day. Failure is not an option.

“You’re coming with me, Buck,” Steve thinks to himself. “If you want to or not. End of the fucking line.”

 

* * *

 

 _Thanos’s ship._ **  
**

  
Proxima Midnight regards Bucky with a contemptuous look. “I see. The pet has come back to its master after all.”

Bucky glares but otherwise tries to ignore her disdain. “We need to see him.”

“We? Who’s we, pet?”

“The lady Hela and me. Don’t play dumb. Is he in there?” Bucky nods his head past her, indicating his intentions towards the throne room. A flicker of light passes through a narrow door gap.  
  
“We have business with him.”

“What kind of business?” she asks sweetly, her voice dripping venom like a snake.

“The kind that’s none of your goddamn concern.”

She rushes towards him with angry steps, stopping only when the sharp blade of her spear is close enough to Bucky’s human eye that he stops blinking to avoid serious injury.

“Don’t be so cocky, Bucky. You’ve been away for some time. You can’t afford to have me as an enemy right now. Not if you want something from him.”

Some day, Bucky is going kill her. Slowly. Just... Not yet.

With his purple index finger, he wipes the offending blade in front of his face to the side and grins at her.

“Oh yeah? Remind me who’s been entrusted with the safety of his beloved girlfriend again? Was it you?”

She throws him a nasty look. “Don’t flatter yourself! If it had been me fighting against you that day, I would have gutted you like a fish!”

“Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.”

She hisses at him. Her eyes become small slits as she crouches down and gets ready to—

“Look who it is!” Thanos voice booms through the hall and makes the hair on Bucky’s neck stand up. “The Executioner.”

Proxima bristles like a cat and makes a last threatening gesture at him before she steps aside.

“Go then,” she hisses. “You’re not scared, are you?”

Bucky swallows hard and braces himself before he opens the gates with a strong push that maskes the momentary weakness in his knees.

Thanos sits on his throne in the middle of the huge hall. There is a fresh stain of dried blood on the ground in front of him. It has seeped into the grout of the stone floor, leaving them almost black.

 _Someone must have died here..._ Bucky thinks to himself. A fate that could await him, too. _One mistake is all it takes..._

He walks straight towards the mad titan and goes to one mechanical knee, three steps from the throne despite every instinct telling him not to. His skin crawls, objecting to the closeness.

“I hear you’ve made a great impression. No international incidents. Anything you’d like to disclose?”

“Nope,” Bucky says, almost surprised by the steadiness in his voice. “I did my job. Efficiently, I might add. Like you said. Nothing to report.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Thanos eyes narrow and he stops smiling. “Come over here. Closer.”

Bucky’s heart beats faster. He takes two steps forward, showing no hesitation.

“Closer.”

Bucky takes one last step. He is standing right in front of the mad titan now. _This is no time for fear._

“Kneel.”

Bucky complies and drops to the floor, holding Thanos’s gaze.

The mad titan reaches for him, grabbing impatiently like a spoiled child for a toy. He lays one of his huge purple hands on Bucky’s forehead, the skin of his palm hardened like thick leather.

“There. Let me see what you were up to...”

 _...The thing is, Bucky isn’t sure if this is gonna work. At all._ Hela did her best to erase the tracks of their plotting and his most recent call with Steve but what if she made a _teeny tiny_ mistake with her magic and the mind stone can see right through it? What if it catches him in a lie? If it sees a contradiction? Thanos gets one ounce of suspicion and they’re toast.

“No reason to be nervous if you’ve got nothing to hide. Don’t fight it,” the mad titan whispers.

There’s a sense of pressure on Bucky’s forehead, like Thanos is squeezing his brain but he hasn’t moved his hand one bit. He’s merely activating the mind stone’s power by sheer force of will. It’s just Bucky’s mind, trying to push him out, resisting the violation of another person tinkering with his memories.

It happens anyways. The pictures skip back and forth, time is stretching out or speeding up at random intervals like Thanos is playing and rewinding a tape. It goes like this:  
  
_...Bucky is sitting in a chair, consoling Korg as he sobs about his dead brother..._ Thanos skips forward.  
  
_...Bucky kills the assassins waiting for Hela in the shadows (two never see him coming, the third one runs but doesn’t get far)..._ Thanos replays the kills twice, like you would a particularly interesting football match, accessing additional footage from Bucky’s robot eye to get all the angles. _Fascinating._ He skips forward.  
  
_...Bucky checks the parameters on Hela’s ship, scolding some guards that are too lazy to stand at attention when he walks past..._ Forward.  
  
_...Hela makes him demonstrate what the metal arms can do..._ Foward.  
  
_...Bucky dreams about the Russian soldiers in the snow..._ The memory freezes right before he’s about to puke in a bucket.

Bucky steadies himself, one hand on the cold stone floor. The sickening feeling remains.

He can feel Thanos hand shake with a low laugh. “So this is what you’re afraid of?” he asks.

Bucky lets his eyes drop to the bloody trails on the floor, breathing through the humiliation.

The shame will go away eventually. _It always does._ He doesn’t elaborate on the memory because there is no point.  
The mind stone can see it all, as long as Thanos wants it to. _There’s nowhere to hide._

“You’re stronger than that now. Pull yourself together.” Thanos furrows one brow. “As long as you serve me well, it will not happen again,” he says almost gently.

Bucky shoves the misguided sense of gratitude he feels in a little box at the back of his mind where his anger lives and locks it away.

“Thank you,” he replies, completely emotionless. No bite, no feeling.  
  
Playing into what’s a threat disguised as a promise will get him nowhere. He’ll never be that weak again.

“I’m happy to comply.”

_...Motherfucker._

“I can see that. I’ll discuss your plans with the lady Death myself.” Thanos eyes glisten with something Bucky can’t quite interpret.

“You're excused.” Thanos pats his head absently, before he lets go of him.

Bucky manages a respectful retreat without once showing his back to the mad titan.

A perfect little soldier with nothing to hide...

 

* * *

 

_Hydra stronghold. 2014. Location... unknown._

“Ready.”

The soldier puts a gun to his head.

“Aim.”

The soldier curls his index finger around the trigger.

“Fire!”

The blanks explode against his temple with a defeating sound followed by a much softer click as the cartridge turns. The heat and pressure will leave another mark deeply ingrained in his skin.

The soldier cannot let the pain and the forbidden disappointment show. Feeling are not permissible. Outrageous for someone like him.

He’s a machine. Unfeeling. Unseeing. Unable to a resist an order - even if it calls for his own death.

“Happy to comply,” he tells his handler in a monotone voice.

_Of course the damn thing wasn’t loaded._

It never is. Not unless they send him on a real mission instead of one for show. The kind where they make him kill things. _Real_ things unlike himself. Things that can cry, and scream, and hurt, and bleed, and _die_. ~~Sometimes he doesn't want to.~~

No one can know! It’s a weakness. If they find out about it he’s going straight to _the chair_. Which he ~~hates~~. No, that's wrong. He’s indifferent to it. ~~Or would be if it didn’t hurt so much more than a blank.~~

For the asset, it’s way too easy to tell if the weapon he is given is loaded or empty, real or fake. He can identify a model just by the weight of the gun, but they want him mentally prepared to pull the trigger. _No hesitation._

One day, he’ll be decommissioned. _It will go just like this._ That’s what the Secretary promised. _Peace in our time._ It’ll all be over. No more fighting. ~~They?~~ No, _he_ can finally come home.

~~To America?~~

~~No, soldier. Your home is here with us.  
~~

The echos haunt him again. _He's been out of cryo for too long._ That's what they say when he gets like this. When he screws up his misson parameters. When gets even more stupid and confused than usual...

He’s just so tired but ~~Bucky~~ ~~the soldier~~ _the asset_ doesn’t get to be disappointed that this is not the end yet. What’s a world without chaos to him anyways? Or to someone like Rumlow and Rollins? They’re all tools. Blunt instruments of war.

“You’re so happy, aren’t you? My happy little soldier. Good job,” the handler remarks in colloquial Russian and pats his head like dog.

He’s an old man. A former handler of the good old days. If memory serves this time, he came from Moskau to train him and build a rapport with the team. ~~Bucky~~ _He_ recognizes the man somehow but can’t tell how long it’s been. His memory is a little fuzzy.

~~No shit...~~

~~Electricity will do that to you, you freak.~~

_Malfunction. Ignore it.  
_

All the asset can tell, is that they’re strengthening their ties to the Kreml again. _Change is on the horizo_ n and his old handler has got a mean taste for violence.

Obedience and execution training with the asset is not his usual thing. He gets bored. The handler wants to see real fear, seeks it out like a shark smelling blood.

 _If they had won already,_ the asset figures, _they would have killed their allies._ He would have been sent after their leaders. His Russian handler and his punishments would have ceased to exist.

Maybe, the Secretary wants to play it safe for now.

Hydra is as strong as ever but as much as their men like to share amongst each other... Power is still power. The asset is just thing to them. Only the strongest survive.

_Know your place. Do your job. Hail Hydra._

The handler takes the gun away and replaces it with a new one. It’s an older model. Shiny and cool to the touch.

“Now, do it again. Use your other hand. Ready. Aim... You know the drill.”

The soldier raises the gun and sets it against his temple.

“Happy to comply.”

...This one’s not loaded either.

 

* * *

 

_Thanos’s ship. Present day._

  
Later, the mad titan calls for him again.

“I’ve given your request some thought,” he starts ominously. “She claims it wasn’t your idea. Going to Earth.”

“It wasn’t.” 

“Really? Tell me, Executioner: How come my best fighters are always the worst liars?”

The blood drains from Bucky’s face. He breaks out in a cold sweat. “I’m not lying. Master, I swear to you—”

Thanos laughs at him like he’s made a joke. “See. Now I know you’re telling the truth. You’re just so bad at it when you don’t. My Gamora was the same. Always wearing the truth on her face like you do.”

He claps his hands together, a crooked smile on his lips. “So, Earth? Sounds reasonable enough. In fact, I think this is the perfect day for a little retreat, wouldn’t you say?”

“Sure,” Bucky agrees, shrugging cautiously, like it makes no difference to him.

“There’s just one little problem: I hear Steve Rogers turns up everywhere my ships land. They say he’s looking for you.”

Bucky visibly tenses at Steve’s name but tries not to offer any kind of emotional reaction otherwise.

“I can’t deny my lady’s request to take you as her protector but I don’t want any drama. We’re going to be there for her, not for you.”

Thanos taps the gauntlet he’s wearing, pointing at the red-colored stone that represents reality. “I want you focused on the mission and only the mission. The stone will make you invisible. So, do me a favor, and pretend you’re still a ghost. That’s how I like you best anyways.”

With his index finger poking out of the infinity gauntlet, he stabs at Bucky’s chest for emphasis. “You don’t talk, you don’t touch anything, and you certainly won’t come anywhere near Rogers. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.”

“Good.” Thanos gives him that terrifying smile again. “We might turn you into an asset after all.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have you know that I actually love Proxima Midnight...
> 
> I hope you don't feel like I'm dragging this out too much. The big finale will finally begin in the next chapter. I've had an outline for ages and a huge part of the scenes are already written and ready to go. I'm just so anxious about pulling it off. :O 
> 
> In case you were wondering, I absolutely love all your feedback and collabortive art. You have my permission to create fanart or whatever you like as long as you credit me or give me a shout-out somehow. 
> 
> Here's a comic page with Hela and Thanos kissing, btw. No one needed that though, right? Right.  
> https://comicnewbies.com/2017/03/25/hela-kisses-thanos/
> 
> Chapter specific trigger warnings (please mind the spoilers): This chapter features a fake execution or rather an ordered fake suicide by gun if you will as part of Bucky's programming. Bad headspace and lots of negative self talk (the asset thinks of himself as stupid of instance) and hearing voices. Mention of depression on Steve's part. Very short and vague allusion to Hydra people "sharing" Bucky (the asset is considered "a thing"). Thanos invades Bucky's mind, sees his nightmare about the Russian soldiers attempting to rape him after his fall and promises not to let it happen again if Bucky complies with his orders. So major "abuser acting protective while actually threatening the abused person" warning. There's some blood and Bucky is threatened with a spear in the beginning of his POV (some people are squeamish about sharp objects close to the eye so I’m warning for that specifically).

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not a native English speaker and this is my first attempt at being a writer. Please be gentle. I just had to share this angsty vision with someone. 
> 
> Come cry with me on tumblr: http://devildears.tumblr.com


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